Asking For Trouble

All of you line up immediately. I need a kick in my ass! I really do. Why else would I do stuff like this?

Let see. Lemme try and give you the gist. You must have an idea about how I can attract trouble like flowers do bees. What I try and venture into in the form of help usually ends up giving me sleepless nights and frequent headaches.

I have friends, whose houses I watch out for when they are not around. I am not talking about the keeping-an-eye-when-we are-out-on-a-short-vacation/trip thing. That really is nothing. I am talking about the I-am-going-away-for-many-years, take-complete-care-of-my-house-thing. Then I have to check and get the house cleaned as a tenant leaves, advertise and zero in on new tenants, etc. Again, no sweat. I can do it. Just requires me to make a few extra trips to the house. Which I am totally fine with.

I have two flats under my wings, belonging to two friends. I don't mind keeping an eye on them. So far, there have not been too many issues. Since I do not undertake any of the monetary transactions, my conscience is clear too.What gets my goat is when I am required to stand in the middle an handle the other stuff. Though I make it very clear that I am only facilitating the whole thing, I still get embroiled in other nonsense. I am no real-estate agent, but I almost feel like one. An unpaid one!

One friend totally realizes that what I do is selfless and trusts my judgment. But the other flat ran into some issues recently. The earlier tenant vacated. But they left the house in a filthy condition. It had to be painted. Then came the cleaning. I went back and forth several times. I put up the notice for vacancy, several people came to check out the flat, at all times of the day. Again back and forth, proclaiming the virtues of the apartment, society, blah, blah. Finally somebody showed keen interest and I put them across to the owners to discuss monetary stuff. Finally, we got a tenant. I heaved a sigh of relief.

About three weeks after he moved in, I get a call from the tenant saying that he had some problems due to which he had to move back to his hometown. I understood. I mean these thing happen, right? So I called my friends and informed them. Then this tenant just vanishes, key and all, way beyond the mentioned vacating time. All attempts to reach him were futile. I freaked, and had weird thoughts of a suicide or murder in the house etc. Why would somebody vanish like that? I padlocked the house and told the owners, to write him an email before I take any action. Finally he responded saying he was a bit ill. (What? Are we living in the stone ages? Could he not call?) In the meantime, tenant and owner exchanged a few heated mails, with the tenant threatening dire consequences if his deposit was not returned etc. When the tenant called me (Now why did that have to happen??) and asked me for money(??), I told him that I do not handle any of the monetary issues. My job was to only convey to the owners as to what money was required to be cut from the deposit. But he still continues to call me asking me for assurance. Yesterday I told him that the delay was because he was behaving like an ass! Go figure!

Now the new tenants, they are another bunch of clowns. I hate people who chase when the money is theirs, but avoid when they have to actually give. They moved in to the flat (yeah the same flat mentioned above. We are not done with it yet!) in the beginning of September. The deal is that the tenant has to pay two months deposit and a months rent check (made out to the owner) in advance before the keys are handed over. I insisted on a check, so they gave it to me and told me to hold on for a few days before I deposit it. I could feel steam coming outta my ears, I wanted to beat them up(Do any of u blame me?), but I agreed. With the owner asking me about the checks periodically, I have been following up (Why? Why??) with the tenant. Now today, she sends me an SMS asking me to deposit only 1 check. Now what do they expect me to tell the owners?

This whole thing is really rotten. This is not my job. A little help (which I so love doing) is turning out to be a total pain. I am thoroughly uncomfortable being taken for a ride like this. I am just gonna go ahead and deposit both the checks, and say, "Oooops!"

Weekend Woes

Yup, I allowed the husband to do it to me yet again! Now before your naughty minds start wandering, let me elaborate. You guys might remember the 'Mumbai trip' I went on last year. Just before the scars could heal (yeah, it takes me a bit of time!), my husband (a klutz, when it comes to travel) has gone ahead and done it again.

When my husband said that he has a long weekend coming up, and that maybe we should head to Vishakapatnam, it did not make me jump up for joy. In all fairness, I cannot say that my husband has ever taken me on a hassle free trip. Even the honeymoon trip to Vizag (don't rub your eyes, you really did read it correct. We went to Vizag for our honeymoon. By the time the festivities died down, we were seriously poor!), he manage to pull of his signature klutziness. He wanted to show me around. After I got dressed in a nice dress with white pants, he came up with a brilliant idea. 'Why don't we bike it out?' he asked. So we went and borrowed his brother's bike. And by them we reached home, I was wearing brown pants! It was covered in slush. I must have forgotten to mention the affinity my husband has for potholes. We might be on the left lane. But far ahead on the right if there is a pothole, we will surely go through it.

Anyways, getting back to our trip recently, till the day of our travel, the train reservations were not confirmed. It finally did come through though. I can never sleep on train/bus journeys. So I spent the next two days in a sleepy haze. Then it is time to get back. This time, our reservations did not come through. So we spent half a day hunting for something that will get us back. We had two cranky kids on our hands too. I thought we could fly back. But people, can you imagine how much I was expected to shell out for a half our flight. 40K!!! Does money grow on trees these days? My family can fly to Singapore and still have money left over for shopping, with 40K!!

So anyways, we chose the bus, for which we paid double the normal fare. Again, no sleep! The driver slam-braked the entire journey. I kept sliding down the reclining seat. The back hurts, legs are swollen, I tell you, it was pathetic. I wish I could have torched that bus! :D They don't make it for people.

I told myself that I will try and learn how the train system works, but I did not. I am just limping back to normalcy. I have begun to hate travelling, with a passion. The next time, my husband say the word, I am gonna bolt.

I hope you guys had a better weekend.

Finding and Keeping a Life Partner

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake.. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr../Miss. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they ' re getting married, they'll say: "We ' re in love"; I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politically correct", there ' s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage . When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you ' re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you ' re married for 20 or 30 years, that ' s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2)you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life!

Bottom line; marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won ' t get "punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ...3: Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right ";. So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world:

(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and

(2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self- absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don ' t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone, who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I ' m hoping to change about this person after we ' re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after they ' re married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don ' t want to find yourself trouble because you didn’t do your homework. Another perspective... There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.. It ' s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention...Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don ' t really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don ' t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don ' t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can ' t take someone to the altar to alter them . You can ' t make someone love you or make someone stay.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2.. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME, WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes, etc.)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT .

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace .

Spreading Joy

I don't know if I have done this post before and frankly, I do not think I can stress on this topic enough. If you have never tried out Random Acts of Kindness before, go on, get out there and try it out. I am not so sure about 'what goes around comes around', but I can sure give the Butterfly seal of guarantee, that it will leave you feeling good and smiling for days.

I had read about this years ago some place and it stayed with me. At times, I have wondered whether I should do it, but on those occasions, I walked away from that place miserable that it occurred to me and I did not go through with it.

I think I must have mentioned earlier too that I try and do at least one selfless deed every day. Especially to those, who can make do with some kindness. It could be as simple as carrying the grocery bags of an elderly person, or paying medical bills of someone that you know can't really afford it, paying your house-help's child's fees. It can be anything.

Today I was so glad that I visited a friend, who gave birth to her second baby last Sunday. Actually, I befriended her just about three weeks back. And since we are this huge bunch of people, who hang out while our kids are playing, I have been trying to get people together to go and see her. Normally I try and pool in resources to pick up gifts, go out and actually buy the gifts ( yeah, yeah I hate thoughtless gifts), etc. Most times I end up forgetting how much and who owes me. I hate that part actually, when people forget when the owe somebody money. I try not to let it get in the way of making somebody happy (huge sucker, huh?).

But I was unable to pull it off this time, and frankly was tired that I had to try so hard. She stays nearby and the hospital was far. People were even saying things like 'Anyway she is going to come home in day or so' and stuff. So this morning, as I was about to start working, I decided to just hang everything and visit that friend. I checked with one person whether she wanted to come along. We stopped at a store, picked up lots of gifts and went visit my friend, Smitha. Since Smitha had not been answering my calls since Monday, I knew I was taking a chance. I was not sure if she was discharged from the hospital either. I checked at the help desk with whatever sketchy information I had. We traced her, only to find out that discharge procedures had started. I ran in, told security that I was here, to help take the patient home (it was not visiting hours!).

Smitha was thrilled. Her thank you note minutes after we left confirmed it. She was depressed that she had no visitors, and she was owing it to post-partum blues. Smitha is new to the city and we are all the people she knew. Yeah, we have not been friends for all that long, but I am glad I went. I really made her day. Sometimes the extra effort is tiresome.There are dozens of opportunities staring you in the face. You might have to go that extra mile, but it is totally worth it.

If I have inspired you into Random Acts of Kindness, do write in and let me know.

Have a nice day!

Life's Like That!

I know a lot of people who tolerate abuse of some sort. Mostly women. But a lot of men too. Some women move hell and earth to separate their husband from his parents. Why can people not respect that fact that each relationship has its own rules? I detest being in the middle of anybody's relationship.It is sad to curb somebody's freedom and try and alter their behavior. Worse than that, is the way we condition our girl child to accept and 'adjust', because they are to be somebody's 'treasure' (paraya dhan) someday. We all know how much further from the truth the word 'treasure' actually is.

The story below, a real incident, has inspired me and I hope it does the same to you.

A friend, Janet, and I were discussing the other day about how some people complicate their life for no reason and walk around with a cloud over their head, when people who actually have been through misery, smile and spread joy.

Janet is from a well-to-do family who have lived in various places in India owing to her father's profession. She described her parents as very liberal-thinking, soft-natured people. When she was about 20-something, a family friend told Janet's parents about a nice boy. These family friends knew the boy's parents very well. They suggested Janet's parents meet them. Despite the fact that they were different geographical locations in India, Janet's parents agreed.

When her parents asked her what she thought of the boy, Janet said that he seemed ok during their brief meeting. When asked if she was ok with the idea of marriage, she told her parents that they can go ahead, since they had given it considerable thought. The wedding took place and Janet moved to her husband's hometown, very far away from that of her parents'.

After they unpacked at the hotel, they decided to go out for dinner. At dinner, she was in for a huge surprise. As they ate, the husband, Ravi made some rude remarks about her dress. At first, thinking that it was a joke, she laughed and looked at him, only to realise that it wasn't at all a joke. He went on to tell her that she was of loose character and that she was attracting attention and some other cheap stuff. Janet lost her cool and told him that she had nothing to prove to him or anybody else. She walked away from the restaurant and took a taxi back to the hotel. He came later in a mad rage.

Janet told him that she was not going to take that kind of behavior. She asked him to calm down and stay away from her. She called Ravi's sister and asked her if Ravi had mental problems. The sister admitted to something of that sort. Janet made the next call to her parents and just asked them to take the next flight and come down without telling them too much. How she spend the night in the room with that guy, is something I'll never be able to understand.

When Janet's parents arrived, Ravi was shocked and starting abusing them. The parents asked Janet to grab her bags and leave with them. They found out all they needed to know and decided that they were not about to leave their daughter to deal with her 'fate'.

• The parents did not ask Janet to 'adjust'.
• They did not fall down at Ravi's feet and ask them to forgive their daughter, for not being able to 'adjust' with him.
• They did not scold their daughter for making a mountain out of a mole-hill.
• They did not consider this the end of their daughter's life.
• They did not care what the society would have to say about this.

Janet's parent's attitude to life before her marriage and the way the handled the ugly situation afterwards, is commendable. I am sure it helped Janet deal with it, the way she did. She did not mope and fret but went on to study further. She is now married to a guy of her choice and has 2 daughters.

In India there is a common belief that if boys are not serious about their lives, not earning, are mentally unstable, or are of loose character, getting them married is a way of fixing things. They don't realise that they are putting a hapless girl to a lifetime of misery. What Janet goes on to say is that if there is a basic flaw in the character, there is no need for anybody to put up with it. And girls, should not consider such incidents as the end of their life.

Janet is an inspiring person and I am glad to know her. The strength she displays and her constant efforts to spread sunshine all around her, belies the fact that she has been through any trauma. I do wish all parents empower their girl child to stand up for herself and deal with ugly situations the way Janet's parents did. You have to be so sure of yourself and respect yourself to be able to handle life, Janet's way.

Two weeks

Thank you all, my blog friends, for your wishes. You cannot imagine how overwhelming it was see all those comments wishing me luck.

Swaram's comment prompted me to write right way!!! :D

The month started on a very hectic note. I was suddenly propelled into so much at the same time. Not too distant in the past, I was hanging around for six years at home, waiting for friends/relatives to drop in. Almost like rain in a parched desert ( Yes. I love to entertain :D). Well, almost nobody did.

And now I took up work and there landed a friend with her two kids. As soon as I got wind of the jobs and knowing that I had to start right away, I called her to tell her that she should postpone her travel so that I could take stock of things first. She did not take it well (she normally can't handle disappointment). Actually, she took it rather badly. But I also told her that if she was still keen on coming, she just had to keep in mind that I was starting right away. Which meant that I would not be able to hang around as much. She was to stay at my place for 3 days.

Well, I don't think she got the drift. She suddenly did not have anything else to do for 3 days, so she expected me to take her shopping. Not a problem, I love shopping. She is not alien to this place. Day 1 was fine, but I thought she should have just carried on with her shopping without me on the subsequent days. The selfishness was kind of getting under my skin. I was a mental wreck. I was creating backlogs that I had no clue how I would be able to deal with. To add to that the physical exhaustion due to the heat and all that shopping, house chores etc was beginning to get to me.

The worse part was that when she confirmed that she was coming anyways, I went ahead and planned the meals (read - and bought groceries) for her visit. Me being a hardcore non veg, and husband a vegetarian, I look forward to people who have to put their canines and molars to better use!! But guess what?? She is a vegetarian on Thursday and Friday. And what was I supposed to do with all that meat. Suddenly a lot more confusion was thrown in (as though I did not have enough of it already).

To top it all, she had been suffering from a nagging cold. The cold bothered her and so did the heat. She would say she was ravenously hungry and eat like a bird. She would not tell me that she did not like a particular dish when I told her I was going to make it. For some reason she would tell me only after I made it. Lots of it. Then there were far too many things that they together as a family did not eat. If the son liked potato, the mother did not. If the mother liked eggs, the son did not. And then the daughter had a select few things that she ate. Can you imagine that I was cooking even at 11:30 pm??? Which person would feed their kid at that time?? Well, my friend from hell did!!! It began to get tiresome and I was like, "Leave already!!!!"

She finally did. I hated myself when I whoopied, but I just could not help it. You must be wondering that I must be so difficult to be with. Well, after careful thinking, I realised that I only saw her in her territory. This was the first time I saw her in mine. And boy, she is difficult to please! She really put my 'host' skills to test!

I ended up with tremendous backlogs at work, and I was racing against time to complete it. I hated being put in a position like this and was soooooooo angry. Only those who saw me knew what I was going through. I was tired to the bone. But I really wanted to keep that job. I love every bit of it.

My articles are being published. I have not gotten a single article so far for editing/corrections. Woooooooooo Hooooooooooo!!

The other job that I took up, requires physical exertion too. I am getting trained to teach yoga. I love it, people! But yes, right now, I am tired.

All in the News!

Since March 3rd, every time I answer my phone, there have been news that made me sit at the edge of my chair.

First it was the plane that crashed not so far away from where I stay. The International Airshow is on in my city. I was not at the show, but I was headed to Neha's school when I saw the four planes overhead, doing their acrobatics. Just at that time, they gave out different colored smoke and flew forward. Just a few moments from then, one of the planes lost control and crashed into a building. Both pilots died in the crash. There were no civilian casualties.

Then later in the day, I get a frantic call from MIL saying that I should turn on the local news channel. There was this swami who was caught on tape having a romp. Well, a lot of self-proclaimed 'gods' at some point or other are always in the news, romping!! Well this swami's scandal was important. My husband's cousin was an ardent follower and she was willing to forsake her family and go serve this 'god.' Looks like she would have to give in more that she was willing to, had she made that move. Though I follow the local language well, somehow, news in all Indian languages are difficult to follow. Looks like they draft the news piece, then use Thesaurus to come up with difficult words and then read out the news! So I had to wait for my husband to get back to give me the whole deal on this swami. Then of course, all news channels began airing the cons of following such swami's, how they have property worth crores, etc. How people are so foolish to waste their time trying to reach God, when really, it is all so simple.

The next day my MIL calls again to tell me that the manager at a bank where a lot of us hold accounts, was caught siphoning lakhs of money. I told my MIL that she had no reason to worry for me. Seeing the pennies in it, somebody might feel sorry and just put in some money. I had to call in once at night just to make sure that there were no scandals while I was out! :D

In today's paper I saw a news item : Carla Bruni-Sarkosy goes Bra-less at state dinner! Was there a mandate that nobody told this lady about?? I mean she was hosting the dinner. Maybe she was so busy looking into the details that she forgot to wear a bra! Somebody must put up a set of rules for such events.

Rule 1: Follow all the protocols for VIP guests.
Rule 2: Make sure security is tight.
Rule 3: Wear underwear.

I mean, who knew this. Just in case you hear any such eye-popping news, keep me in the loop!

Reproductive Rights - The right to say 'No'

This post is an entry into a contest by Indus Ladies to celebrate International Women's Day. For more details, please click here.

Mom, Dad and you, have this one life and so do I. You must explain to me why I should suffer the consequences of the choice you made for your life. Yes, since you are my mother, you suffer too, but you can only see my misery. You cannot feel it like I do. Since I was a young baby, I have undergone several surgeries on my feet to be able to walk the way I do today. I thank you for getting those surgeries done, but God alone knows the quality of genes that I have in my body because of your decision to go ahead with a consanguineous marriage. I don’t know if I can ever lead a fully normal life. Who would like to marry me knowing that I am the product of a marriage of two close relatives? It is common scientific knowledge that such children carry defective genes that lie dormant and if paired with another complimentary gene, manifests itself in their children. The consequences can be disastrous.

When you married, you were too young to know the consequences of such a marriage and discovered what the outcome was, when I came along. The doctors advised you and informed you that my condition was common in children from consanguineous marriages. 14 years later, you have decided to go ahead with another baby? Did you not think it was important to seek the necessary medical help? Did you think it was important to consult some expert in the field of genetic disorders before you decided to have a baby? Even after you conceived, did you not think of getting some relevant tests done? Though you knew that something was just not right about him, my brother was almost two when you discovered that he is suffering from Phenylketonuria. Another genetic disorder, from a consanguineous marriage.

Mom, as a woman, you have the right to decide whether you want to go ahead with a pregnancy or not. Agreed, that your husband wanted another baby. But you also have the right to an opinion. There was no need to bring that baby into this world. You should have armed yourself with knowledge before embarking on that journey.

Everyday his suffering is going to increase as he is growing up. He will also want to eat normal food like normal kids. He will hate you for the tasteless formula that has to be combined with the other ‘acceptable’ foods that he can eat. And, he has to have that kind of food, his whole life! Eating anything out of the ordinary can mean mental retardation. It is going to be a tremendous challenge, not just for you, but him more importantly. It is like walking on glass all your life.

Will I ever be able to marry and lead a ‘normal’ life? Will my brother survive his condition? My life and that of my brother’s will always be replete with suffering just because you did not have the courage to say ‘No.’

The thoughts that are echoed above are that of a young girl who had clubbed feet as a result of consanguineous marriage. She has a brother who was born with phenylketonuria.

This is a true story.

I tag Reflections, The M.I.L. Chronicles and The Song of Life to participate in this contest, create awareness and make this contest a huge success.

I Freed Somebody Once!

Ever so often I read posts that touch me profoundly. One such post was that by The Jungle Girl's Shenanigans, called ‘Race’, a beautifully written article where she touched upon the so-called ‘racism’ issue that India is blaming Australia for. When I read about the incidents that have been taking place, the first thought that occurs to me every single time is that : Why are the Indian people making it out to be a racism issue? There are so many such incidents all over the world. Why is the press blowing it out of proportion? Don’t they ever feel responsible for spreading hatred and ill-will?

In the same post, were some rather stark facts about other parts of the world which actually do oppress people and get away with it. The article focused on the blatant oppression, mainly of the people who work in the lower rungs of the working scenario, taking place in the United Arab Emirates. Here the passports are kept by the organization you work for. It immediately gives your employer the right to persecute as he pleases. You have to no choice but to comply with any injustices that is meted out to you.

I grew up in Dubai and also worked there for a while. Though I did not see too much injustice. I did feel threatened by the whole system. You feel trapped. If you do not like your job or have differences with your employer, you are most likely going to swallow your pride and stick around anyway. There are far too many complications involved and if they stamp your passport with any remarks, you are likely to be deported. But this is not what I wanted to write about.

It reminded me of an incident that I buried in the far corners of my mind. It reminded of an oppressor not as mighty as a sheikh of Dubai or anything, but an oppressor anyway. It reminded me of the fact that when you have been bullied, there are two roads that you can take: One which makes you an oppressor yourself and another which you will make sure that no one around you suffers such treatment.

I chose the second road. I am proud to say that I liberated somebody once. I put my neck on the line, knowing fully well that I would be dealt with severely if it came out in the open. Though I was very young at that time, I felt that it was better to punished than allow injustice to happen. I was about sixteen years old. My parents or rather my mom decided that we should have a maid at home. If you know the rules in Dubai, you must know that we have to obtain a visa to get somebody from another country. You have to stand guarantee for that person and it involves quite a bit of money too. They asked around there was this family friend who had a poor relative who was looking for a lucky break. That is how Suja came into our household. Suja’s relative lied to her and her mother that this would be a kind of stepping stone to better prospects. That since she was not so qualified to get a job in Dubai on her own steam, this entry to Dubai would allow her a break.

When you are subjected to harassment of any form, you tend to more mentally matured for your age, kind of like a survival instinct. I would often find Suja upset. She saw my condition at home and did not take her long enough to figure out that I was sinking in the same boat. She often told me that she was better off. She said that at least she did not feel as bad as I did because the person repressing me was my own mother. Anyway, I used to hear her out. She came from a poor background and came to Dubai looking for a job so she could help her family. As all ‘sheikhs’ do, her passport was seized. Her calls were monitored and so were her personal mail. She would keep her letters in her suitcase in a certain way only to find out later that it was tampered with. You don’t need to do more to make a person feel like a prisoner. Her letters to her home mainly talked about the weather and other mundane stuff. Her mom asked her for details and she was unable to spit the truth. Things began to get worse for Suja, she was not able to handle my mother’s caustic remarks and harsh behavior anymore. She would often go to sleep crying and praying for a miracle.

I then thought of a way to get Suja to write to her family about her plight. I gave my friend’s mailing address. Suja’s letters to her family were mailed out in a similar fashion. The agreement was clear. Suja was not to hoard these letters. They were to be destructed immediately. Ok, so that going normal communication going. But now, what?? How was Suja going to get out of the place? I had a brilliant idea. She wrote to her family to write in through proper channels that the mother was seriously ill. That she was needed home immediately. That set the ball rolling. Suja would wail loudly every once in a while. Then she made it clear that she would do something drastic if she was not sent home. That got my mom thinking. She tried to placate Suja with more empty promises. Suja assured my mother that she would be back soon. Then the day came when Suja was set free. I lost somebody who I could talk to. I knew that I would be back to feeling oppressed all by myself. But I thought: at least somebody got away. And if word ever got out that I had something to do with any of that, I would be dead meat. But then I was half-dead anyway. So be it.

As Suja packed up, there were many tears of gratitude. She apologized to me several times for not being able to do the same for me. She promised me that she would pray ardently for me. She felt terrible at having to leave me behind. Well Suja, I am physically (can’t say the same for my mental status as yet) free.

In my own small way, I gave somebody freedom. It feels very good even after so many years. As I carried those letters in and out, I have sweated buckets!! :D That is the thing about such situations, you tend to enjoy the thrill of living on the edge!! Every time you get away with it, it prompts you to try your hand at something else. It is no longer the end of the road, but the journey that holds more meaning.

The Competitive Spirit

My daughter had her first State Level Taekwondo tournament yesterday. She was one of the 12 students selected from a batch of 40. She was to report at 8:30 am. I woke up in the morning, feeling not so sure that I wanted her to do this. I went across to tell her trainer that she might be opting out. When I saw that a few of them were as young as her, I changed my mind, quickly paid up, got home, and got to the venue. I decided to hang around just in case she wanted to use the toilet etc. When I got there I realised that many of the kids from the complex were unaccompanied by their parents. I mean, what the hell could be more important than your kid. For crying out loud, it was a Sunday!!!!!!!!!!

Some of them turned a few hours later with hurriedly applied make up, as though somebody was shooting a movie on them. I think the worst thing that can happen to a kid is to feel unappreciated and unmotivated. There was no one to cheer the kids. Can you believe that I had to do it alone? I was on the cheering squad, then I am running around to give the kids a sip of water, then uplift their spirits by telling them that they are doing well. The opposition came out in large numbers and there was so much cheering for them. I really felt awful. I could see their spirits waning. I mean they were being kicked around badly. I had to hit the guy in front of me couple of times, almost yelling at him to cheer for the kids! I don’t think he will stand near me again. So what if the kid is not yours, can you not cheer for them?? Yeah, so what if his parents are at home busy stuffing their faces with dosa or whatever!

My daughter went on. She was faced with a total stranger. A bigger kid at that. She started off on a good note. But got kicked around, fell down and of all the things, began to cry!!! Poor thing! She refused to carry on. I told her that it was part of the deal and that she should have fought back. She thought she was going to be beaten up. Basically, she was not prepared. What demoralized her was that so much cheering was happening for the opponent, that she thought she already lost. I plan on doing something about that next time.

There was this other girl. I was not too sure what her parents were prepared for when the signed her up for taekwondo class. She is interested more in dance and is rather shy. You know the type. She was called for her round. Her opponent started kicking and this girl did nothing. The mother of the girl started protesting, “How can they do this?” Me being me, I held her back and told her, “You did not sign her up for ballet. This is how it is.” I could see from her expression that it did not go down well with her! Oooops!

Anyways, I am miffed with parents who cannot even come and encourage the kids when they appear for competitions. What kind of people are these? I end up at these events not just having my kid to take care of, but many others kids’ too. It is not fair on the kids. When they are appearing for sports like these, where minor injuries might occur, Parents should be around. If not for anything, it might just motivate the child to do better. It must have felt scary to them being in a strange place with so many new people. To make it all worse, the challenge of a competitions and opponents that looked like they were thirsty for blood! They really did look well prepared and came in a platoon!

So now, I am prepared to don the mantle of motivating the kids of the Taekwondo class, including my little girl, on how to face an opponent. Of course, I am going to do it in conjunction with the Master. Wish me luck. The kids of my complex will go better prepared next time. The next time round, they will be the once thirsty for blood!

Psssstttt…… I think my daughter got a silver medal!

All in a days work!

Ok, you guys, I am going to blow my own trumpet a bit now. But let me tell you now itself that what I am about to say has a good moral to it!

I received an awesome compliment a few days back. A lady (she is more an acquaintance than a friend). I see her around, as brings her daughter to the sand pit. I am almost a fixture on that sand pit. I am there EVERYDAY! Not to keep an eye on my daughter, but to protect the other kids from her! (Yeah, she gets weird ideas and manages to convince all the other kids that it is the way to go). Anyways, I did chat with this lady a couple of times. I have this way of getting through to people and making them feel like chatting. You will be amazed at the insights I receive on their life at the first meeting! :-D

Back to the lady. She walks up to me as I was chatting with another friend and she says: “Whenever I see Butterfly (I feel really weird addressing myself this way, but please bear with me!), I feel a lot of energy. She has that kind of effect on people.”

Butterfly’s all embarrassed and totally unprepared to receive compliments. If she had told this to me when I was alone, I would have said : Thank you. But there was this other lady around, and I am at a loss for words.

Lady (am so totally unable to recall her name) goes on without realizing that I am embarrassed: “Butterfly, you told me something amazing. It has brought such a change in my attitude. It is very visible to those around me and I have been receiving compliments for the same. I am really happy that I listened to you!”

At this point, I have started turning beet (If that is possible!) obviously nervous at what I might have told her.

Lady: “Butterfly told me that amongst all that I do, I must learn to live for myself too. And from that day on, I have lived a little for myself too. It has changed my outlook completely. I am happier now. I am so thankful to you, Butterfly!”

I guess the lady must have ranted about how there is no time to do anything with caring for her two kids and husband. And I must have given her this advice. I believe in it. I feel that if we do not live for ourselves too, everything else we do will seem like a mundane chore. I tell people that we should do the best in what we were called to do. If it is cooking for your family, do it the best way you can. And at some point in the day, take a little time out for yourself. To maybe just read a book. Whatever. But you must do it.

Also, my everyday life is spent towards making the world around me a better place. In my own little ways. I almost go at it like I am being paid a hefty salary for it! I am focused on improving the quality of my life and those around me. Yes, I do have my moments too, when I feel defeated and depressed. But not for long. My irrepressible spirit fights back and I spring back, happy as ever!

You will often find me carting my friends back and forth on chores. When I head out, I check with people if they have anything to accomplish on that route. I usually have other people’s tiny grocery lists too, as I head to the grocery store. At any given point in time, I baby sit at least 4 kids. There are kids buzzing around me all the time. Though their respective mothers are around, they seem to want to share their stories with me. Half the time I tearing my hair out with all their chatter. Non-stop chatter. I shoo them away and in a minute, they are back. I give up! Many people are often confused as to how many kids I actually have.

My friends refer to me as their ‘F1’ key. Incase people around me have any queries (and you will be surprised at the queries) they check in with me. I am the unofficial : real estate agent, baby sitter, Taxi operator, psychologist, communicator, cookery consultant (and most often, cook too), party organizer (in addition to this, I have to come up with a suitable gifting idea too. And yes, I also buy the gift!), event organizer, motivator, care taker of homes/plants/pets when people take vacation, custodian of keys (I have at least 8 sets of duplicate keys belonging to my friends’ apartments), medical consultant and above all, a friend, to all my friends. While I am at it, I make sure that my home, husband and kid don’t suffer the brunt of my social activities.

One any given day, I am flitting from one cause to the other. My friends know that they can never get a half-baked job out of me. My close friends often laugh at me. They tell me that people are using me. What I tell them is that I am there for people if they need me. I can’t say ‘no’ if people need my help. Most days, I am overwhelmed. And most times, I do not know whether I am going or coming.

I am currently working real hard on a friend who is stuck in a rut. She is unsatisfied with a lot of things in her life and I am helping her appreciate what she has. I am happy to say that she has improved leaps and bounds and seems much happier these days. She is keeping me posted on the improvements and how it is changing her perspective.

I am not professionally qualified in any of the areas I mentioned above, but people rely on me. Because, I give of myself. I am focused on touching people’s lives and what I get out of it is intangible. And that my friends, is the moral of the story. Giving of yourself. There is tremendous happiness in that. If I can motivate more people to do the same, I know that I am successful in my endeavor. That of helping to make this world a better place! It’s worth the try, that’s for sure!

I try and be the change I want to see!

Playing Footsie

When I went for my daughter's last PTA, along with the progress report, we were given a discount coupon from a recently opened Beauty Salon. The salon was run by the parents’ of my daughter’s classmate. Being more interested in the matter at hand, I just shoved the coupon into my purse. I am not much into these salons. I have a lady who comes home and takes care of my basic beauty requirements (how cool is that!!!). It is only for pedicures that I venture out of my comfort zone. I can be considered the resident expert on pedicures offered by the salons in my area.

So here I am, aching for a pedicure and this new salon has been calling out to me. With my husband doing the babysitting, I darted off to this salon with my neighbor N (who happens to be rather new to the city). I told N that being a Pratyusha (my daughter’s school) mom entitles me to a discount. I was delirious with joy to discover that it was a 50% discount!! After the exchange of pleasantries, we settled down to business. There were two pedicure stations set up side by side. At the initial glance I knew something was amiss. But I guessed that they would work it out. I don’t really like to jump the gun and create a fuss. So patiently I waited as the procedure began. I could immediately make out that the two stations were distinctly different from the other. And so were the people attending to us.

I had a basin to soak my feet. By the time the lady filled the basin and went back to heat more water, it would already be cold. I was slowly boiling with anger. Then she began scrubbing. I had to tell her to stop, for fear that she was skinning me. It hurt that much. Then the cleaning under the nails felt almost as if she was trying to scoop out my nails. I had a clear understanding of what it must have felt like in a ‘concentration camp’! It just went on and on this like this. Then she gets up, tells me that her client has come ( duh, what was I??) and hands me over to another lady. This old and skinny lady looked like she would die as she massaged (and clawed) at my legs. I actually asked her to stop. Then she started clumping the nail polish on my nails. I just could not take it anymore, asked her to stop and told her that my 5-year old can apply nail paint better. Yes, I was pissed!

While I was being subjected to this obvious torture, I saw my friend relaxing at her station with a magazine in hand, totally enjoying herself. The seat she, had that bubbling hot water contraption, a holder to rest the leg for scrubbing. And the quality of the pedicure itself was so different and meticulous (the resident expert is talking!!!). She finished off by wiping her leg and feet with a wet hot towel and applied the nail paint with love. Witnessing this preferential treatment, was painful. I was contemplating on letting the owner know what I felt about her Salon.

As we footing the bill, without even checking, she applied a blanket discount too. So not only did my friend get the better end of the deal, she walked away with a discount too!!! Yes, my life sucks!! Hey, I have nothing against my friend getting the discount, but look at my rotten luck!!

The reason I am not really big into discounts is because I always end up regretting it. If it is a product/equipment, it won’t last. If it is a dress, u can bet your ass that it will tear/is already torn/ or won’t survive the first wash. Once recently, I had visited another new beauty salon for a pedicure (yeah, I like the works when it comes to pedicure and besides I don’t do it as often as I would like to. So I really have big expectations of this). The pedicure was awesome. The lady told me that I am entitled to a free facial. I declined the offer. The lady got slightly offended and told me that I should not consider it so-so, just because it is free. I still declined. No free stuff for me. Thanks. What is the point in having nice feet and scarred face. No thanks! I must have looked like a jack ass to her!!! I mean, who does not like freebies. But it just does not work for me. The moment I see the word ‘free’, I am sure there is something wrong with it!

My question to you is: Would you go back and give the owner of that Salon a dressing down? What would you say? I am contemplating between never going back and going back, letting her have it, and making it work for me.

P.S: Now you would say: Serves you right! Why don’t you find a nice salon and stick to it? Well, these places were much closer home. Since time is always a scarcity for me, a parlor near-by, is always better.

P.S again: When my friend and I were leaving the salon after that eventful pedicure, the lady handed us compliments. My friend opened her pack. It was a mirror case. Since we got the same thing, I did not bother opening. Much later when I did open it, one mirror came off in my hand!! Stop laughing, you guys!!! Don’t laugh at my misery! Stop it, NOW!!!

P.S: yet again: For all those who read this post because of the title, shame on you!!!

Why don't Indians give back to society?

This author has echoed a lot of thoughts that I have been wrestling with for a long time now. Please do read till the end and very carefully with an open mind. The question asked in the beginning had the hit-me-in-the-face kind of effect when I read all the way till the end and read the answer!

DO YOU FULLY AGREE WITH THIS AUTHOR?

Why Indians don’t give back to society

By Aakar Patel, Mint, July 4, 2009

Some characteristics unite Indians.
The most visible is our opportunism

Why don’t we worship Brahma? We know he’s part of the Hindu trinity as the creator, but we worship Vishnu, manager of the cosmos, and Shiva, its eventual destroyer. The answer lies not in religion, but in culture. But in what way does our religion shape our culture?

Weber explained the success of capitalism in the US, Germany and Britain as coming from their populations’ Protestant faith. This ethic, or culture, was missing from the Catholic populations of South America, Italy and Spain. Protestants, Weber said, extended Christianity’s message of doing good deeds, to doing work well. Industry and enterprise had an ultimate motive: public good. That explains the philanthropists of the US, from John D. Rockefeller to Andrew Carnegie to Bill Gates.

What explains the behaviour of Indians? What explains the anarchy of our cities? To find out, we must ask how our behaviour is different.

Some characteristics unite Indians. The most visible is our opportunism. One good way to judge a society is to see it in motion. On the road, we observe the opportunism in the behaviour of the Indian driver. Where traffic halts on one side of the road in India, motorists will encroach the oncoming side because there is space available there. If that leads to both sides being blocked, that is fine, as long as we maintain our advantage over people behind us or next to us. This is because the other man cannot be trusted to stay in his place.

The Indian’s instinct is to jump the traffic light if he is convinced that the signal is not policed. If he gets flagged down by the police, his instinct is to bolt. In an accident, his instinct is to flee. Fatal motoring cases in India are a grim record of how the driver ran over people and drove away.

We show the pattern of what is called a Hobbesian society: one in which there is low trust between people. This instinct of me-versus-the- world leads to irrational behaviour, demonstrated when Indians board flights. We form a mob at the entrance, and as the flight is announced, scramble for the plane even though all tickets are numbered. Airlines modify their boarding announcements for Indians taking international flights.

Our opportunism necessarily means that we do not understand collective good. Indians will litter if they are not policed. Someone else will always pick up the rubbish we throw. Thailand’s toilets are used by as many people as India’s toilets are, but they are likely to be not just clean but spotless. This is because that’s how the users leave them, not the cleaners.

The Indian’s reluctance to embrace collective good hurts his state. A study of income-tax compliance between 1965 and 1993 in India (Elsevier Science/Das- Gupta, Lahiri and Mookherjee) concluded that “declining assessment intensity had a significant negative effect” on compliance, while “traditional enforcement tools (searches, penalties and prosecution activity) had only a limited effect” on Indians. The authors puzzled over the fact that “India’s income tax performance (was) below the average of countries with similar GDP per capita”.

We do not think stealing from the state is a bad thing, and our ambiguity extends to corruption, which also we do not view in absolute terms. Political parties in India understand this and corruption is not an issue in Indian politics. Politicians who are demonstrably corrupt, recorded on camera taking a bribe or saying appalling things, or convicted by a court, can hold legitimate hope of a comeback—unthinkable in the West.
The opportunist is necessarily good at adapting, and that explains the success of Indians abroad. We can follow someone else’s rules well, even if we can’t enforce them at home ourselves. The Indian in the US is peerless at the Spelling Bee because the formula of committing things to memory, which in India passes for knowledge, comes naturally to him. But this talent for adapting and memorizing is not the same as a talent for creation.

The question is: Why are we opportunists?

In his great work Crowds and Power, Elias Canetti observed that the rewards religions promised their faithful were all far off, in the afterlife. This is because a short goal would demand demonstration from god and create skeptics instead of believers. There is an exception to this in Hinduism. Hinduism is not about the other world. There is no afterlife in Hinduism and rebirth is always on earth. The goal is to be released entirely and our death rites and beliefs -- funeral in Kashi -- seek freedom from rebirth.

Christianity and Islam are about how to enter heaven; Hinduism is about how not to return to earth, because it’s a rotten place. Naipaul opens his finest novel with the words “The world is what it is”, and Wittgenstein ( “The world is all that is the case”) opens his Tractatus similarly.

Hinduism recognizes that the world is irredeemable: It is what it is. Perhaps this is where the Hindu gets his world view -- which is zero-sum -- from. We might say that he takes the pessimistic view of society and of his fellow man. But why?

The Hindu devotee’s relationship with god is transactional: I give you this, you give me that. God must be petitioned and placated to swing the universe’s blessings towards you. God gives you something not through the miracle, and this is what makes Hinduism different, but by swinging that something away from someone else. This is the primary lesson of the Vedic fire sacrifice. There is no benefit to one without loss to another. Religion is about bending god’s influence towards you through pleas, and appeasement, through offerings.

Society has no role in your advancement and there is no reason to give back to it (in any way, including leaving the toilets clean behind you) because it hasn’t given you anything in the first place. That is why Indian industrialists are not philanthropists. Rockefeller always gave a tenth of his earnings to the Church, and then donated hundreds of millions, fighting hookworm and educating black women. Bill Gates gave $25 billion (around Rs1.2 trillion), and his cause is fighting malaria, which does not even affect Americans. Warren Buffett gave away $30 billion, almost his entire fortune. Andrew Carnegie built 2,500 libraries. Dhirubhai Ambani International School has annual fees starting at Rs47,500 (with a Rs 24,000 admission fee) and Mukesh Ambani’s daughter was made head girl.

An interesting thing to know is this: Has our culture shaped our faith or has our faith shaped our culture? I cannot say. To return to the question we started with: Why is Brahma not worshipped? The answer is obvious: He has nothing to offer us. What he could do for us, create the universe, he already has. There is no gain in petitioning him now.

We Indians have to look inward. I have read a lot of mails in this regard which asks us to look inward and treat the world around us with care, not careless abandon! Like I tell my husband, we, each one of us, have to change ourselves from within for the collective good. We cannot always standby and blame the guy before us for littering. The general tendency is to think : This place is already dirty. My wrapper cannot do anymore harm. Or, why should I raise my voice against this injustice? See the crowd. They are not saying anything. Let us stick with the popular notion on this. Guys, every time we are faced with corruption or littering or the general welfare of the world around us, let us raise our voice, even if it is feeble. Somebody else might take courage too and soon, it will be a shout loud enough to be heard and reckoned with!

Disclaimer: This post is in no way intended to hurt religious sentiments and does not intend to target any community in particular either.

Did I just go on a vacation?

I happen to personally know a travel coordinator from hell! Unfortunately I happen to have used his services for five years now. Time and time again, I think that maybe I should just give him one more chance. Well, I just happened to give him that last chance. He screwed up so bad, that I have decided never to use his services. Ever again!

I have mentioned before about that fact that I am geographically challenged. So when it comes to travelling, I rather rely on somebody else. I know nothing about train routes and stuff. In fact, I hate trains. I can go one step further and safely say that I loathe travelling in them. I don’t mind those sitting journeys, but those overnight trips can really make me edgy. I prefer bus journeys, may be because the stinky toilets are not stuck to it. About a day before a train journey, the eating and drinking almost comes to a halt. I can assure you that in the past 5 days, I must surely not have consumed more than 500 ml of water.

I travelled to Mumbai. Was it that much awaited vacation? NO!!! I just want to pretend that the last 5 days did not happen. I cannot believe that we spend 5 days and a certainly ridiculous amount of money for nothing. The whole journey and the experiences amounted to almost nothing. So, now I am seething, knowing that, 5 days and a lot of money was wasted and I did not have that vacation that I so craved. It was terrible from the word go. By now you must have understood that I was dragged into this trip. There was a lot of emotional crap heaped on me and how I was not understanding why I should travel etc.

Like I said, I was on the edge. Once we got off the train, I told myself to stop cribbing and try and enjoy myself. I was really kidding myself. The accommodation that we ‘had’ to stay in was not really confirmed. We did not carry the address either, so we were at the mercy of the cab driver. And in a place like Mumbai, they fleece you like crazy. They can sniff an outsider. Mind you this was at 4:30 am. Now that we did not have a place to stay, we had to hunt for one. We did. And it was pathetic for the price we were paying.

Then we ‘had’ to travel on the local train. I was told that in Mumbai, you ‘must’ travel on the locals or you have not really experienced Mumbai. Well, if you ask me, I could really have done without that ‘experience’. The weather was humid, I just wanted to tear my clothes and get into a jeans n tee. But then, what am I thinking. What would the people we visit think about me! Ooops!

This gentleman that we visited was ill and his doctors have told his family that he is slipping away. Much as I felt sorry for him and his family, I had to acknowledge the fact that this man was just a neighbor to my in-laws. Yup! We went all the way to meet a neighbor! We travelled more than 2 days on stinky trains, paid hotel fare for 3 days, and what not, to see a neighbor. Can u imagine to what lengths we might go had he been a relative?? I shudder to think.

We just travelled to far and wide places in Mumbai, meeting people we could have really done without meeting. There was no time to shop or sightsee. Actually I did not care for it either. I just wanted out. I craved for those few trips that I made with my friends, where I could soak in the rain; dip into a pond, without a care. Then, it did matter how we got to our destination. Now, I have to watch what I eat, where I go, how I go etc, courtesy the fact that I have a kid. Then the whole thing of swine flu was looming large. I was worried sick.

The journey back was ridiculous. You see, we had waitlisted tickets, a fact that was kept hidden from me. We left the hotel at 10 am on Sunday, only to reach home the next day at 1 pm. We had to get off the train at 5 pm on Sunday in Pune because we did not have confirmed reservations. I was told that there are numerous buses that ply from there to Hyderabad. But as luck would have it, we managed to get tickets on the worst bus in the world, which was to depart at 7:30 and which finally started at 10 pm.

You must be wondering who is my travel coordinator, right? Well, that amazing person is my husband! Don’t laugh, you guys!!! I thought he might compliment me in the one area where I admit some weakness, i.e., travelling. According to his tales, he practically grew up travelling on trains and he knows many places like the back of his hand. Well, it looks like I have to invest in an atlas some travel books and some time on the internet if I have to travel ever again. Nope this travel coordinator is surely going to go out of business! I am not buying his plans, ever again!


Edited to add :

Shopping? You must be kidding. Where was the time? If you can count buying slippers to replace your broken one, then yes, I have shopped! We were so busy travelling like mad people from one end of Mumbai to another. I mean, none of the people we visited felt even remotely sorry for us knowing that we were travelling with an old lady and a young kid. They should have agreed to meet out. If I describe one of the eating experiences I had at a friends house, you' d really feel sorry for us. And the distance we had to travel to get there! Wow!

We did have a meal at the Leopold cafe and saw the Taj, both of which were vandalised by terrorists in November 2008. Leopold is back in business and there were those few tell-tale signs of bombs and gun shots. Sitting there, I realised how vulnerable the whole situation was.

I did not mention Neha on purpose. If there was ever a strain on our relationship, it happened this time. She really went berserk with all the travelling and the bad food. She practically lived on chocolates which gave rise to other issues. Travelling was a total nightmare. For some reason, my M-I-L who normally does not interfere when I disciplined Neha, decided to act up and interfered like crazy. So, every time I said no to a particular thing, that thing was promptly handed over by my M-I-L or husband. It did not take my tantrum free child too long to figure out how it works. She began daring me to try and discipline her. By the end of the trip, Neha even vocally said that she does not like me. It broke my heart.

When we got back, I had to really put my foot down and enforce some serious discipline. I am having to balance discipline and love very precariously now. It will take me a while to get things back in order. I am really fatigued in many ways. I am emotionally and physically strained by this trip.

No Kidding!

I had to put aside the current post I was working on to respond more capably to Bones’ post on - Disciplining Children Means our Love is Conditional. I love topics on parenting. There are so many times that I have drawn inspirations from the blogging world on parenting. I could not have done justice to what I have to say with just a comment on Bones’ page. So here goes:

This is purely my take on this topic. I draw my inspiration from life itself. I read up too. But then you have to learn to absorb what best suits you and your family. And forget the rest. I am not the perfect parent. But I am the best parent my daughter could have. Since my daughter is a combo of my husband and I with a lot of genetic inputs from our respective families, there can be nobody better than us to parent our child. That is, provided we have taken stock of our strengths, weaknesses, habits etc. Chances are, that our daughter will be a decent combination of the two of us. As my daughter is growing and presenting her various facets, I know I cannot afford to be too angry with her as her genes are reinforcing their presence! But I cannot let go either. So I try and look for a suitable solution to the problem.

When I became a parent, I knew and understood the huge responsibility that was handed over to me. I knew it will be overwhelming at times. I knew that I might make mistakes (I have made some awful ones, for which I berate myself every time) and that it was OK. Nobody is scoring us. But at the same time, negative styles of parenting (repeated over a period of time) can result in behavioral issues in children. But if you realize early on that a particular style of parenting is wrong, or if it is not giving the desired results, put an end to it immediately.

I have a sincere belief on parenting and my parenting style is modeled around this belief. I firmly believe that as long as your child KNOWS with every cell in her body that you love her, there is just no way that you can have a negative impact on her. Some tactics work on some kids while other tried and tested tactics fail miserably. Just focus on building a super-strong foundation for the kids and that is the only thing in the world that a child will get back to in times of doubt. I believe this very strongly. You would know the most perfect approach to parenting your kids. You have to love your kids with your whole heart, lay a strong foundation for them to work on and leave the rest to them to fine tune as they see fit, when they are adults. The one focus I have as I am bringing up Neha is that I want her to know that she is loved, truly and deeply (no matter what), and that nothing or nobody can take away from it.

Also, if each and every one of us who decide to step into parenthood, step into with our eyes wide open, we would do a lot better. There are many things that we have to handle as it is dealt our way. But not the whole aspect of parenthood itself. Getting back to my belief system, If we all focus on raising a morally and socially responsible child, the world would be a better place. Yes, we have to function within our means. Love, unconditional (and loads of it, mind you) cannot be replaced with anything. You will just be kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

I DID it!

Today was truly unusual. I attempted something that I never thought I’d catch myself doing. For the first, the very first time. Me. Yes, me. I did it. Never in my wildest dreams, craziest nightmare did I think this will happen. Yes. I did wish that I would have the guts to do it. So many times, I put my best foot forward and withdrew it because of cold feet. Now what am I ranting and raving about???

I managed to pull off a stage performance. I Danced!!!

In front of an audience, mind you. Me!! Can you believe it ??? Wow, from the audience reaction, it was fabulous. We were 10 of us, beautifully attired, and we were all in seventh heaven after the performance. So many wonderful compliments like - so graceful, so beautiful, what a performance and other superlatives, greeted us afterwards. We soaked it all in.

I must have something important to learn out of all this. Right now, I am still pinching myself out of disbelief. I went through a crazy barrage of emotions just before the performance. In fact, when I was putting on my saree, to my horror, I found stains on the front and thought, “This is it! I am not meant to do this.” My wonderful neighbor, went to her cupboard, rummaged through it, and pulled out her new saree and draped it on me. Ok. No escaping now. I even thought I was going to pee on stage out of nervousness. Suddenly I kept going blank here and there. I thought I’d trip on my saree, maybe on the carpet, too. Forgetting the steps was the most scariest thought. Here I am thirty-something, and I had my first stage performance! It was the start of something new for me and also felt very light-headed for a while after the dance. The tension was just coming through after being caged in for so long.

Yes, I finally have come a full circle. This was the Onam dance that I wrote about. The one I was denied so many years back. I had written about it here. Please parents, don’t ever put your kids through stuff like this. Allow them the benefit of their dreams.

Thank you all my blogging friends for encouraging me to actually go ahead. I did put my foot back several times. God knows what I went through! First I did practice with the group. I then gave some lame excuse and backed out. Three people had to drop out due to other constraints and every time, I promptly handed the group another resource. Finally, I ran out of resources and had to oblige. The ladies of the group were very kind to the fact that I had no formal training (this was a traditional dance and called for some grace) and kept egging me on. I did put my heart and soul and practiced earnestly. The end result was fabulous.

I did it! I did it! I did it! Yipppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! Now I am ready to perform again! Hey, wait for me, I am putting on my dancing shoes!

Dance like no one's watching

A couple of days back, I felt like I was nine years old, all over again. Unlike many of you, I’d rather not go down that road. Anyways, what made me feel like 9?? Well, a couple of ladies at my residential complex, decided to celebrate Onam ( Kerala’s harvest festival) by showcasing the traditional dance. Since there are not too many of us from the State of Kerala living here, I got dragged in to participate. Yup, two left feet and all. Actually, it is not that I have two left feet. I can dance. Say if I were to go to a party and stuff, two drinks down and I am grooving. :-D

I do not have any background of traditional dancing. So here I was, feeling real awkward and sweating rather profusely. I have to weasel out and find a way out quick! Why? Why oh why am I feeling this way? There is enough time for practice and I know I CAN do it.

Coming back to when I was 9. Back then, I finally got the opportunity to participate in a program put together by our church. I was excited. I was allowed** to participate in a dance. We began the practice sessions. And I was getting real good at it. We came as close to dress rehearsals when I was pulled out of it. No consideration for my feelings whatsoever. What was the reason?? Well, my brother who was participating in two of the events was asked to back out of one, due to time constraints. That did not go down well with my dad and he pulled us both out to teach them a lesson. And boy! they learnt, didn’t they? Well as they say, “The show must go on” and it did. Without us. I was crushed. I was the one who always had to pay. The lady who was choreographing, told me in so many words, how disappointed she was in me. It stayed with me. And guess what? The dance was the traditional dance for Onam!

It seems like I have come a full circle and I still cannot seem to shake off my childhood experiences. After that, no matter what, I just cannot get myself to participate in anything. I know that I am not awkward with dancing but I repeatedly use that as an excuse. I can do background work, organize etc., but not get onto the stage.

Despite my childhood experiences, I am a rather good sport. I can laugh at myself, harder than the next guy. But when my lack of ability to do something, gets under the spotlight way too many times, it hurts. I know that they are not aware of why I am, the way I am, but it pushes me into a corner and it takes me a long time to venture out.

For the time being, I have backed out of the dance and got them a replacement too. And I am really not too sure that I am feeling better about it. Yesterday, while Neha was doing her home assignments, she repeatedly had to use her eraser. Watching her, I wished I could use that eraser and blot out some of my memories. :D

Two weeks ago, I had to meet my mother, who as usual, never had anything nice to say. She just repeated all the old awful things. I am so close to telling her off. They say, that closure is a good thing. You should not leave anything unfinished. I think that I should muster up some courage and head towards closure. Finally shake off all the old demons and move on. It is not like I don’t have the guts as some people make it out to be. It is just that it involves the saying of too many hurtful things.

** Why does it seem so unusual? Well, my mother normally did not allow me to participate in anything. Lest I succeed. I was really good at athletics, too. But I was never allowed to compete at the Sports Meets. I scored well at academics too. Well, you don’t want to hear about that stuff. It is too painful to even think. I, so despise, those times.

Psssssssst! As you can see, I am still waiting for my twig to take me back to the shore!

The detective in me

You know how one thing leads to the other. Agnes’s latest blog about the book Shantaram, and her comments on Vibgyor’s post got me thinking. When ever people tell me that they read books like Children of a Lesser God or The White Tiger, I feel quite embarrassed that I don’t have the inclination for it, though I am an avid reader.

As far as I can remember, I have always been interested in crime and detectives. I am doing some soul searching here as I write. Reading between the lines, was always second nature to me. I can spot an error right on. My senses are so acute. You should have seen me when I was pregnant. I laugh so hard when I think about it. If I say I have acute senses now, they were a hundred times more acute when I was pregnant. I used to throw up like crazy if somebody cooked onions even 10 houses away. Oh, It was bad!

I am going to cover two aspects of me here: Why I cannot read serious books and what brought about this sleuthing in me. They are kind of connected in a way.

Growing up wasn’t easy for me. For some crazy reason (which I am not going to get into details about), my mother was really against me. She made it real tough for me to live, so I had to grow up real fast. It might sound very unbelievable, but she was always scheming against me and trying to get me into trouble. Yes, she is my real mother. Only she knows best why she did what she did. Of course, in the beginning, I did not see it coming and the result was severe punishments. She would only be happy when my father scolded and punished me. Most times, I did not know what I did wrong. But whatever I did, I always got the short end of the stick. No matter how hard I tried, I could do no right in her eyes. And as a little child, you can imagine what that felt like.

So since home life was terrible, I found solace in books. I would get library books, wrap it up, to look like a school book (even reading was a crime) and would escape into an imaginary world. I read The cherry tree farm and other Enid Blytons, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys. It would give me the much needed happiness. I would read like a mad person, often finishing books in a single sitting/day.

Most of my childhood was spent this way, merging with the walls, so that I would not be noticed and held responsible for the World Wars!

Since I wanted to escape and have fun, these light-hearted books were the way to go. Serious books made me sad and got me thinking.

Now since I was interested in detective stories, I began thinking like one. Here my mother was the tormentor and I had to stay out of her way. Since I was not allowed to read books, my sense of hearing was heightened to catch even the slightest sound of feet on carpeted floors. The books would be hid in a jiffy, that explains my reflex. I trained my eyes to catch even a centimeter of difference in the way my cupboard was arranged. I knew exactly where things were placed. So I knew if she had invaded my personal space and if anything was missing and if I had to build a story around it. Likewise, my sense of smell would catch the whiff if anybody approached or if they had already been there.

I read someplace that blind people had unusually good hearing and sense of smell to help them. I was something like that. Over a period of time, I got really good at it. My sixth sense helps me a lot too. One wrong look, and I will sense it. It has helped me a lot.

They say there is good in everything. While I am happy with these powers (if you could call it that), there are times I wish I did not have to go through what I did. I always feel that if the enemy is on the outside, you can find the strength to tackle him/her. But if the enemy is within, it weakens you and makes the process a lot harder often resulting in a lot of damage to self-esteem.

Even now, I find it difficult to read a serious book. Recently I struggled with The Pillars of The Earth by Ken Follett. Every time I would get back to the book, I would have to read back a few pages to align myself. Too many characters!

I always thought that I would take up Forensic Science. Maybe I should have. Boy, that would have been some job, huh! Right up my alleyway too!

Fear Factor

Two days back, I went to pick up food from a restaurant at about 21:30 hrs. Normally, I do not like to venture out at such times on the bike, alone. But my dad, who was visiting, expressed a desire to eat Mutton Biriyani. Since the restaurant did not have delivery boys that day, I did the needful. All the time mumbling prayers and shuddering at horrible thoughts I got to the hotel. I have been told that people could snatch the bags off your shoulders. A terrible incident had happened recently, where a couple with their two kids were on a bike, returning home. Two bikers with helmets on, came towards them in full speed, snatched the lady’s purse and headed in the opposite direction. The lady fell off the bike. She had to undergo 2 surgeries in the head alone. She has lost vision in one eye. They have put some spring in the head due to which, she is discouraged from bending down, for at least a year. Of course, she is going to be confined to the bed for a long time.

Sorry for deviating a bit. But anyways, here I was heading back. As I was approaching home, I saw a man who had fallen off his cycle. He seemed to be trying to get up. I slowed down and so did another lone lady rider ahead of me. The men were zipping past. But I stopped beside her and told her that he must be drunk. Let us move on. As I carried on, I felt bad at having judged him. Yes, we do see men just napping on the road after drinking themselves silly. But maybe this was not the case here. I should have ascertained whether he was drunk before moving on. He could have just been a poor old man who lost his balance.

But I fear. Fear to get caught in a crazy situation. If he was drunk, he could get all gropy and stuff. After all, we were just two women who wanted to help him. But I do still feel bad at having judged him. I asked God for forgiveness and also prayed for timely help for that man.

I don’t fear ghosts and stuff. But I do fear Man. Men, who sometimes crazed by desire are capable of doing the unthinkable. There are so many wonderful men out there. I know so many personally, But just one bad experience can ruin a lot for a woman. Another incident comes to mind. Happened about 8 years back. I had injured my back in an accident. I had difficulty walking. At times the pain was unbearable. I had left my bike at the garage and was heading to pick it up. It was about 12 in the afternoon. The place where I stayed at that time had a kind of long drive-in. Normally, the road that it led to would not have any autos. So we had to a bit of a distance to the main road. That day as I walked down the drive-in, I saw an auto parked and thanked my lucky stars. He agreed to take me to my destination. I sat in with terrible difficulty.

Since I was seated, I expected him to proceed. But he did not. I asked him to start. He said he would, but did not. Then he asked me to reach out at the back and hand him the cloth lying there. I did. I thought that he wanted to clean something. But he was just winding it around his hand. Then I realised with terrible fear about what was on his agenda. There was just one old lady hobbling along and he was waiting for her to pass. I opened my mouth to scream and no sound came out. My legs turned heavy and I knew my injured back would not allow me to move fast enough. But with all the courage I had, I pushed myself out of the auto. The blood had totally drained out of my face.

He then told me: Ok madam, let us go. But I just moved ahead of the auto and started hailing at an approaching car. The car stopped. It was my brother and his wife. They saw the fear in my face, but I was unable to speak. I just pointed at the auto and mumbled. My SIL immediately got hold of me and my brother gave that fleeing auto a chase. But he did not find him. Even today as I write this, I have goose bumps.

Now I step into autos mostly accompanied by other people or if the driver is a real old man. If he tries to act fresh, I can hope to overpower him!

Jinxed or what??

I am beginning to really think that I need to check my aura. You know, go to one of the gypsy kinda places just like they show in the movies and have one of those colourfully-attired women to tell me what is wrong with me. If it is just one or two isolated incidents, I would have just ignored it. But this is just too much. Every single time, I put my foot forward to do something there is always that horrible, sinking feeling of - “Now what’s going to go wrong?”

Most electronic products I buy are faulty in some way or the other. You can bet that if there is one faulty piece in production, it would surely find it’s way into my house. If I was one to buy stuff at flea markets or be stingy about parting with my money or argue to death with the salesperson about the price etc, I would still think that they gave me a faulty piece purposely. I am the kind who would buy something for full price at a half-price sale. Yeah, yeah laugh all you want! I know it is really funny, but that’s me. I feel it beneath my dignity to ask for discounts. I really find it uncomfortable to even ask for the free products that come with what I buy in a supermarket! Though I want it. I actually kinda hate it when they do not attach the freebies to the product. That way it would save me a lot of embarrassment.

Once I bought a Kinetic Safari. I really did my homework, compared prices and mileage etc and settled on this rather aerodynamic looking scooter. I felt very powerful when I rode it. I donated my previous scooter to a church. It felt rather good to do that. Anyways, a week after a bought it, several other snazzy colours hit the market. Were they waiting for me to buy??? Ok. I settled with it. Then soon the bike began giving problems. It often found itself at the garage. When a product is faulty, the mechanics of the parent company, often give some vague reasons. You know at some point, that they are bullshitting but I could not, for the life of me, get myself to ask them to give me an exchange.

About a year back, we bought a Hyundai Accent. My husband must have done the rounds of the car showrooms for at least two months and a lot of deliberation before settling on our car. Finally it arrived. We checked it out and then drove it home. When we reached, I saw that there were some scratches on the panel of the rearview mirror. When we took it back the next day and pointed it out, the refused to accept their mistake. It might have just cost 50 bucks but they would not accept. We settled with it. Then after a service, we found that the foot mats were soaking wet every time we drove in the rains. Like the water was just coming in from underneath. No amount of pleas would get my husband to take it back and give those guys a piece of his mind. I shudder to think what the underneath of it looks like.

The computer keeps conking off. The Internet explorer version 7, seems to be giving trouble. Recently I upgraded it. And yes, you guessed right - It is giving me trouble. I can now open explorer, only if Norton is turned off!!! Now is that not kick-me-in-the-backside amazing!

This Christmas, as I pray for good health, I also pray that this rotten luck goes away. What about you, what is your Christmas wish?