A little insight

I am an avid thinker. I try and make a difference in the lives of people around me. I make people laugh. My blogs might seem more on the serious side but don't let it fool you into thinking that I am a serious person. I am known more for my quick wit and ability to tickle ribs. I am also very passionate about parenting.
Anyway, as you read along, try and comment. It might just encourage me...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Did you have a friend like this? Hopefully not!

When you have fun, it surely cannot be completely wiped out from your memory in the near future, right? As time passes, the exact details might be hazy, but the fact that you’ve had loads of fun will be retained, right? Well, when I have asked people this, the answer has always been - yes. And when I see photographs put up by friends, of their childhood days, well, they seem to have had fun!

Why is it then that when I try and recall childhood days of fun, all it draws is a blank?? Can you just imagine how horrible that feels? When a childhood friend told me about how much fun it was to be around me in school, all I could tell her was they were stolen moments. I asked her to tell me more. She told me that I was popular and fun. She had no idea as to the amount of pain that I had to mask to get a smile on my face back then. I had to be terribly brave to mask the sadness and just breathe the few hours that I spent at school. There again, it was not that simple.

There was this girl called S, same age as me, who went to school with me. She was the daughter of my mother’s friend (the local bitch. S was a chip of the old, ugly block. Unfortunately, since we lived in the same neighborhood, we even traveled to school by the same bus. Fortunately, we did not have to share the same classroom. Thank God for that!

S used to keep a track of me. Frankly, I do not know what she had against me. The only thing was that, she was a bit on the heavier side. Not that I ever called her fat. Now S would get back home and relate the days events to her mom, adding her own bit of spice. And all hell would break loose in my house. Not once, not even the teeniest tiniest once, did I ever squeak on her. She did tons of stuff that would get her in trouble. But I never ratted on her. Maybe it was because I did want another person to go through what I did. Maybe it was because my mother would not believe me. Maybe I did not care anymore. Whatever the reasons, I just never served her up for trouble. But S did so time and again, knowing really well how it would affect me. Can you believe that I was ordered not have any friends other than S?? Every evening would be spent in fear as soon as that friend of my mother would call. And the best part was that, my mother thought that S was such a nice person to bitch about her friends to her mom. I would be scolded for not ratting on my friends. But I never shared that kind of rapport with my mom. All she was waiting for, was a mistake from my mouth. But if S would have told it like it is, things might have been different. She usually would add a little extra to make it look worse. So that the limelight is off her!

I went through a friend’s childhood photos recently. I looked on wonderingly as her childhood unfolded before me. The terrible sadness that enveloped me, as I went through her birthday parties through the years, pajama parties, Meeting friends at each others houses, swimming trophies, karate classes, trips to the park, school events at which she won prizes, was unbearable. It hit me that this girls and scores of others around me lived a normal fun-filled childhood. We went to the same school, which means that we got back home at the same time. But despite that, there were so much else to their life that made such a colorful picture in my bleak black and white life. All I could after school, was wait for the rest of the day to unfold, take all the verbal and physical abuse, wait for the day to end and look forward to the few hours of school the next day. Away from home. Away from the pain. Just for a while. As you can imagine, I HATED holidays. School vacations were two months of unimaginable boredom. I would never tell if I was sick, because I did not want to miss school. I could not bear to be at home.

I had written earlier about how my friends shared a rapport beyond school and college. So I was always this person who was looking in from the outside. Though I was happy for them, more often their ramblings about how much fun they had at the party etc, would be like molten wax in my ears.

Now I look back with the horrible realization that my childhood years have slipped by me, without a trace of fun. I want it back! I want those photographs too. Photographs that speak of the fun I had. Yes, I want it. It is not enough if I just see my daughter or the other kids around me have fun. I want to run around with careless abandon. I want close friends with whom I have shared fun with.

Now when I see pictures of S, knowing that she went to college and stayed in a hostel, she made all the right career moves, is globe trotting while she was responsible for making my life so difficult, I cannot help but feel the pain and the anger that stems from it. I am not unhappy where I am, but the fact that I could have studied further, explored the world beyond the home, really, really hurts, She was having fun while I was busy shielding myself from pain and trying to barely survive.

Is it wrong to feel that way? I know I have repressed anger. But I don’t make an issue out of it in my daily life. But it does surface once in a while like this. Yes, I will try not to go through photo albums titled “Nostalgia” or the “The Fun Days” Or “Carefree Yesteryears”. I will steer clear of such things that will cause me to go through such emotions. :D

Maybe you guys can tell me how I should have kicked S’s ass! Should I tell her what a pain she was?


Lakshmi said...

I am sorry about S and your childhood being so hard. I cannot imagine a person making another's life horrible and get sadistic fun out of it.

If I were you, I will stay far far away from S. I would not want to open up anymore with her and bring those moments back. It is not worth it. Enjoy moments with people who make you happy.

@lankr1ta said...

Kind of echoes time I had with one of my cousins.... she was exactly like S.

Solilo said...

Your reaction is normal, Bins. There are many kids like S to make life a hell for others.

I had one in College who created a misunderstanding between a friend and me because of which our friendship has become really formal. I was hurt for sometime then and also went into a shell because I was misunderstood but then pulled myself together and didn't give a damn. That friend now tries calling me often. Though I talk to her, I still feel this resentment towards her and talks are always formal.

Anyways, this is not about me..it is about you. I think just let it go now. Who knows what kind of pain and pressure she was in during those days? May be telling on you was her way of getting some happiness. Who knows!

Anonymous said...

Butterfly childhood scars stay for a long, long time... this is such a sad post!

...do you think talking to her will help you feel better? Maybe you should speak to your mother also... tell her how helpless you felt because she trusted another child more than her own!

This post broke my heart... children can be so cruel!! And some parents encourage such behaviour... unless it really helps you, from what you have described probably she will not really care!! But than she might - when one matures and sees the world sometimes one might realise how insensitive one was...

Not sure either ways...
All I can say is (((hugs))) and best wishes...
Maybe you can take it as a challenge to try to live a very happy life never looking back... but then maybe you need to get it out of your system by giving her a piece of your mind... I am so confused and angry after reading this post.. (((Hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I want to hug you, tightly, and take away that sorrow from inside you !!!

Take care, my dear friend !!! I have seen you overcome so many issues in life - certainly you can kick this thing out of your life and be happy !!!

Reflections said...

With friends like that who need enemies:-/
I dont know if u've realised but some people just live on this earth to create problems for others...as soon as they enter the room a sort of dark shadow looms over everybody & the laughter just dies out.
When I'm feeling good I look at them & feel sorry for them....I'm sure even they are not happy when they introspect.

Dont get into the habit of looking into ur past...I knw, I knw one cant help it but atleast u'd have realised by now tht looking back gives u nothing but pain. Concentrate on ur present...it is now in 'ur hands' to create tht happy & secure atmosphere within ur home.
Look to ur future.....the possibilities are endless:-)).

ash's corner said...

I am really sad to hear about this. You sure did put up a brave front in school. But you know what after today I am sure you will feel good. It really takes a lot of nerve to sit and write down about our deepest emotions. I dont think I would bother about S, coz she is out of your system. And as for the albums, hey come on, except for some undeserved people, why should you not want to look at them? If you were to write to your friends on the facebook, I can guarantee you that the response would be great. I feel its just that we have to come out of our shell which we have built. This will help us forget the past easily.

Enigma said...

hey dear... first a tight hug... Ohh i can totaly understand ur feelings about having a blank in ur childhood, having people like S around and all... I dont even want my childhood anywahere back near me and it only depresses me to think abt wat all i have missed out, wat i could have done etc...
But i guess what we should do now is - dont even bother with that past (it will only destroy our good mood now).. make most out of the present and the happiness that u have now... u can show all those idiots how much of a success u r in life inspite of all the problems u had and u can show how happy and carefree u r... let them kick themselves for being the asses....

divya said...

Heyy....first of all, a big hug. I was so upset to read this post of yours. I am really sorry that you had to go through all this in your childhood.
I don't know how people like S can sleep at night!! I strongly believe that "what goes round comes round". She will never have a clear conscience and that is her biggest punishment.
I would only suggest one thing for you though - its not at all easy but its for the best not to think too much about past. Its very difficult but I guess it would help if you focus on the present and the future.
I am praying and wishing that you get your share of happiness and love from all your loved ones (an extra share to compensate the sorrows of your chilhood). You deserve it. Also I am hoping that all this love you get will ease some of the pain you have been carrying. Love you so much.xx

Nu said...

That was auwful ! I'm sorry for it !

But now leave it girl..just throw it out of you and don't let it bother you.. Forget !!!!

Move on...pick yourself and move on... See we all are with you :) Why bother for friends who never cared when you have friends who even without knowing you are there for you !

Gauri Shingote said...

Holy Crap!! I knew only a part of what you went through....was there. But whatever said and done, I gotta say, you've turned into an extraordinary person. Live your childhood through your daughter, since you aren't anything like your mother!

Remember, everyone gets exactly what they deserve!