A couple of days back, I felt like I was nine years old, all over again. Unlike many of you, I’d rather not go down that road. Anyways, what made me feel like 9?? Well, a couple of ladies at my residential complex, decided to celebrate Onam ( Kerala’s harvest festival) by showcasing the traditional dance. Since there are not too many of us from the State of Kerala living here, I got dragged in to participate. Yup, two left feet and all. Actually, it is not that I have two left feet. I can dance. Say if I were to go to a party and stuff, two drinks down and I am grooving. :-D
I do not have any background of traditional dancing. So here I was, feeling real awkward and sweating rather profusely. I have to weasel out and find a way out quick! Why? Why oh why am I feeling this way? There is enough time for practice and I know I CAN do it.
Coming back to when I was 9. Back then, I finally got the opportunity to participate in a program put together by our church. I was excited. I was allowed** to participate in a dance. We began the practice sessions. And I was getting real good at it. We came as close to dress rehearsals when I was pulled out of it. No consideration for my feelings whatsoever. What was the reason?? Well, my brother who was participating in two of the events was asked to back out of one, due to time constraints. That did not go down well with my dad and he pulled us both out to teach them a lesson. And boy! they learnt, didn’t they? Well as they say, “The show must go on” and it did. Without us. I was crushed. I was the one who always had to pay. The lady who was choreographing, told me in so many words, how disappointed she was in me. It stayed with me. And guess what? The dance was the traditional dance for Onam!
It seems like I have come a full circle and I still cannot seem to shake off my childhood experiences. After that, no matter what, I just cannot get myself to participate in anything. I know that I am not awkward with dancing but I repeatedly use that as an excuse. I can do background work, organize etc., but not get onto the stage.
Despite my childhood experiences, I am a rather good sport. I can laugh at myself, harder than the next guy. But when my lack of ability to do something, gets under the spotlight way too many times, it hurts. I know that they are not aware of why I am, the way I am, but it pushes me into a corner and it takes me a long time to venture out.
For the time being, I have backed out of the dance and got them a replacement too. And I am really not too sure that I am feeling better about it. Yesterday, while Neha was doing her home assignments, she repeatedly had to use her eraser. Watching her, I wished I could use that eraser and blot out some of my memories. :D
Two weeks ago, I had to meet my mother, who as usual, never had anything nice to say. She just repeated all the old awful things. I am so close to telling her off. They say, that closure is a good thing. You should not leave anything unfinished. I think that I should muster up some courage and head towards closure. Finally shake off all the old demons and move on. It is not like I don’t have the guts as some people make it out to be. It is just that it involves the saying of too many hurtful things.
** Why does it seem so unusual? Well, my mother normally did not allow me to participate in anything. Lest I succeed. I was really good at athletics, too. But I was never allowed to compete at the Sports Meets. I scored well at academics too. Well, you don’t want to hear about that stuff. It is too painful to even think. I, so despise, those times.
Psssssssst! As you can see, I am still waiting for my twig to take me back to the shore!
I do not have any background of traditional dancing. So here I was, feeling real awkward and sweating rather profusely. I have to weasel out and find a way out quick! Why? Why oh why am I feeling this way? There is enough time for practice and I know I CAN do it.
Coming back to when I was 9. Back then, I finally got the opportunity to participate in a program put together by our church. I was excited. I was allowed** to participate in a dance. We began the practice sessions. And I was getting real good at it. We came as close to dress rehearsals when I was pulled out of it. No consideration for my feelings whatsoever. What was the reason?? Well, my brother who was participating in two of the events was asked to back out of one, due to time constraints. That did not go down well with my dad and he pulled us both out to teach them a lesson. And boy! they learnt, didn’t they? Well as they say, “The show must go on” and it did. Without us. I was crushed. I was the one who always had to pay. The lady who was choreographing, told me in so many words, how disappointed she was in me. It stayed with me. And guess what? The dance was the traditional dance for Onam!
It seems like I have come a full circle and I still cannot seem to shake off my childhood experiences. After that, no matter what, I just cannot get myself to participate in anything. I know that I am not awkward with dancing but I repeatedly use that as an excuse. I can do background work, organize etc., but not get onto the stage.
Despite my childhood experiences, I am a rather good sport. I can laugh at myself, harder than the next guy. But when my lack of ability to do something, gets under the spotlight way too many times, it hurts. I know that they are not aware of why I am, the way I am, but it pushes me into a corner and it takes me a long time to venture out.
For the time being, I have backed out of the dance and got them a replacement too. And I am really not too sure that I am feeling better about it. Yesterday, while Neha was doing her home assignments, she repeatedly had to use her eraser. Watching her, I wished I could use that eraser and blot out some of my memories. :D
Two weeks ago, I had to meet my mother, who as usual, never had anything nice to say. She just repeated all the old awful things. I am so close to telling her off. They say, that closure is a good thing. You should not leave anything unfinished. I think that I should muster up some courage and head towards closure. Finally shake off all the old demons and move on. It is not like I don’t have the guts as some people make it out to be. It is just that it involves the saying of too many hurtful things.
** Why does it seem so unusual? Well, my mother normally did not allow me to participate in anything. Lest I succeed. I was really good at athletics, too. But I was never allowed to compete at the Sports Meets. I scored well at academics too. Well, you don’t want to hear about that stuff. It is too painful to even think. I, so despise, those times.
Psssssssst! As you can see, I am still waiting for my twig to take me back to the shore!
12 comments:
Oh you know what...u shud have gone ahead and taken part in the onam dance...u would have definitely felt good about it..and i know how moms can be..they criticize u for each and everything and i used to sometimes wish so badly that my mom would be different. she still does the criticizing part without much fail and now its just another thing for me:)
But dont worry, you will get your next chance at whatever it is and you jus jump at the opportunity without thinking much...
Did u dance like a 9 yr old ???? Oh !! I wasn't there to see that !!
BTW, Why did you put in a replacement and walk out ??? You shld have continued to dance like a 9 yr old.
Just carry on with your life, as you've always been doing. Whenever the demon pops up, just hit it on the head, so that it doesn't come out again.
Be yourself, thats what finally matters.
Pls go ahead n take part in the dance Bins .. I really really hope 2 c a post on that shortly :)
Luv u Bins n do it for all of us - ur friends. Pls Bins!
Bins, {{{{Hugs}}} How are you? Missed you and read that you are still not in your spirit. :)
2 left feet or not just enjoy! BTW Onam too soon? Isn't it in Sep? I need to ask Mom.
As for telling off your mother, you know it is better you do that soon. At least you will know what the real problem is. I mean why she says hurtful things to you? I don't think anyone in this world has the right to hurt other person for no reason...not even parents.
Go talk to her, Bins! You need to open up to feel better. You owe yourself that.
A magic eraser....
Bins, I know it's easier said than done but just ignore people who criticize your every move...
Hey I just wanted to reply to the comment you left on my blog- of course you MUST enter my giveaways! EVERYONE is entitled to enter and I do not care where you live. If the little Tinker draws your name then I will send the prize wherever you are. I promise. Please don't feel left out!
In fact so far the majority of winners have not been in my country at all. Mostly USA!
Thank you all for the love and support.
An open book: If it was just criticism, I could have handled it. But it was a lot more awful than that. I am still yet to come across another person who has had an experience like mine.
Ums: I wish i could hit her on the head instead. Yeah, the fact that she needs help is very evident. But it seems so late in life. The whole family is scattered.
Swaram: Thanks. I dream t last night that I was all graceful and got back into the dance. I wish I could but maybe next time.
Solilo: Thanks for the hug. I needed it. Actually, we are thru with the talking. She refuses to acknowledge that she could be wrong. I think she needed help and we were all protecting ourselves from her. No, she is not a victim of any abuse or anything. Just made us all her victims.
Agnes: Ignoring has got us this far. I was too young , then I was too much a victim. She has got some disorder which makes me, the other woman in the house, her competition. She competed with me all thru. I just went into a shell. It was pathetic.
hey ,
why didnt u dance in the onam fest now, i dont think ur mom is the reason.
Your mom reminded me the mothercharector in the movei "Because I said So", in that movie mom involves in each and evry matter of the daughter,finally realises after the daughter calling her off...I guess you should see that...
magiceraser thinking is similar to me , i always dream of some weird machines,
Anyways, i loved ur blog, following u from now...
Just confront your mother. Be firm with her. See, now you make your own decisions. And obviously you are old enough to know whats right and whats wrong. So don't let anybody bring you down. As in generally. Be it your own mother and someone else.
You know what I do..and it works too. I strictly follow the 'three chances' rule. First two times someone says something hurtful to me, I tolerate it quietly. But the third time he/she repeats it, that is it..I don't tolerate anymore. I know it would be more difficult to practice this with your mom, but i really think you should just be firm with her.
Suree: Well, I have a mindblock that I am not able to overcome as a result of what I went thru. I am not just sitting around pining or anything, I am trying hard. Hopefully I will break free soon.
Miss M: I love your '3 chances' rule. I was picturing you hovering around the place with a small note pad. :D
You are right. It is time for a face-off. You are talking about 3 chances, I have given her 3 decades.
hi dear..i can very well undertsnd ur feelings...A big hug to u...
Humm i guess we all should confornt the demons in our lives and move forward strongly and prove to those who ridicule us that we r the best...tell them all to go to hell....
Hey Bindu, I know most of the things are easier said than done. But since the time I know u Bindu, U are a person who brings a smile on other people's faces.
They say time heals. May be this is taking more time for you, but your wound will surely heal. If u forgive ur mom in your heart, may be u will feel better. Hey come on I know that Neha has got the best buddy in town. Only u can make yourself come out of it. Try.
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