Very often this thought occurs to me. Am I depressed?? How we react to a situation depends on the state of mind at that given point. What I find rather irritating is when I am being kicked when I am already down. Time and time again. And for some crazy reason that only God has the answer to, many things go wrong at the same time.
Right now, these are the things wrong with my life:
My bike is not exactly in mint condition. It is on kick-start mode. Makes some weird sounds too. IF I take it for service, I have to walk back about 2 and half km. No auto wants to give a paid ride for that distance.
A stone came hurling at the car and the windshield is cracked. Can’t look at it and is expensive to repair. We have put it off indefinitely.
My fridge was defrosted the other day, Normally it leaks out onto the floor. Some mopping takes care of it. Strange arrangement, but that’s the way it is. But not this time. This time it decided to collect in the tray outside. And it stinks!!! I do not know what to do with it. Can’t push and investigate myself.
My maid has taken her umpteenth leave for this year. I have not taken a break in 5 years and I do not know how she manages with 3 kids, every other month. No maid this time of the year is depressing enough without having to take stock of the fact that I cannot afford a vacation.
The standby maid that I arranged for, did not turn up yesterday. She offered when I asked her to find somebody for me. And she has not turned up as yet. The prospect of cleaning up the house in the afternoon is not pleasant.
I cleaned out my fish tank the other day. It took me three painstaking hours to complete it. Yes, for a change I did it myself. The back pain seemed like nothing as I watched with satisfaction at what I had accomplished. It almost felt like I was cleaning out the crevices of my mind. Today, two days later, It looks streaked on the inside. Much like my mind, too! I feel terrible.
Several plumbing points in my house requires looking into. The builder has done a pathetic job the first time around and I am not able to find the time and resources to get it done. The building plumber will make sure that another point leaks as he leaves the house. I have to change a lot of plumbing.
I have some wood work to be done around. I have been scouting for a carpenter. Each says they will turn up, but they don’t. Why they say they will, I will never be able to figure out. And everybody wants only big jobs. They consider it a sheer waste of time to come around for small things. But I cannot do woodwork just to please them!
If I have to spare some time for myself, I have to really try far too hard. Sometimes I put it off because then there is just too much to be done before and later. Then the question of where to leave my daughter during that time arises. Then because of all the shoo-shaah surrounding this whole time-for-myself bit, I am not able to do things for myself that I should. No gym, no parlour, no nothing. And incase, I do manage to work out a schedule, my husband will just change his. And then the whole process starts all over again. It is painful.
Suddenly when holiday time nears, something starts to act up. All the bundled up emotions are unleashed. And so, my husband has decided to act funny. I tell him not to bottle up stuff. He has been having a tough time at work and the side-effects are showing up in our relationship. Yes, he will also find only this time of the year, to bring it out.
All of a sudden, a lot of my friends who were going to be in town, had to leave out of town. Normally I am around for everybody to lean on. When it gets to my turn, nobody is around. Yes, It is really important to feel lonely during trying times. Part of the great cosmic plan. Yeah, yeah everyone is around in spirit.
When all of the above are happening, I take the opportune time to delve into my past, as if the present is not depressing enough. And then I tell myself that had I had a nice childhood, I would care two hoots about all this. And now, the very foundation is all shaky and I find myself crying often. At all the things gone wrong…….
Yes, I know that I will find the strength to move on. But I never find the strength to repair. Or can it be done?? Amongst all this, we have to remain normal. Lest the kids know that you are disturbed, lest the extended family knows, lest your depression spreads onto others. I am in no position to take that burden too.
And then when I think I have moped around enough, I think about all I have. Yes, I am very grateful to God. Then I push all these feelings of inadequacy at the back of my mind. It does rear its head every once in a while. But I push it back. Only to come out all uncontrollable next holiday season. And as is likely in my case, when faced with all of the above, my mind ceases to function. If you ask me now, I do not even know what I want.
I just wanted to purge these out of my system and into cyberspace. Hopefully it will not find its way back.
Right now, these are the things wrong with my life:
My bike is not exactly in mint condition. It is on kick-start mode. Makes some weird sounds too. IF I take it for service, I have to walk back about 2 and half km. No auto wants to give a paid ride for that distance.
A stone came hurling at the car and the windshield is cracked. Can’t look at it and is expensive to repair. We have put it off indefinitely.
My fridge was defrosted the other day, Normally it leaks out onto the floor. Some mopping takes care of it. Strange arrangement, but that’s the way it is. But not this time. This time it decided to collect in the tray outside. And it stinks!!! I do not know what to do with it. Can’t push and investigate myself.
My maid has taken her umpteenth leave for this year. I have not taken a break in 5 years and I do not know how she manages with 3 kids, every other month. No maid this time of the year is depressing enough without having to take stock of the fact that I cannot afford a vacation.
The standby maid that I arranged for, did not turn up yesterday. She offered when I asked her to find somebody for me. And she has not turned up as yet. The prospect of cleaning up the house in the afternoon is not pleasant.
I cleaned out my fish tank the other day. It took me three painstaking hours to complete it. Yes, for a change I did it myself. The back pain seemed like nothing as I watched with satisfaction at what I had accomplished. It almost felt like I was cleaning out the crevices of my mind. Today, two days later, It looks streaked on the inside. Much like my mind, too! I feel terrible.
Several plumbing points in my house requires looking into. The builder has done a pathetic job the first time around and I am not able to find the time and resources to get it done. The building plumber will make sure that another point leaks as he leaves the house. I have to change a lot of plumbing.
I have some wood work to be done around. I have been scouting for a carpenter. Each says they will turn up, but they don’t. Why they say they will, I will never be able to figure out. And everybody wants only big jobs. They consider it a sheer waste of time to come around for small things. But I cannot do woodwork just to please them!
If I have to spare some time for myself, I have to really try far too hard. Sometimes I put it off because then there is just too much to be done before and later. Then the question of where to leave my daughter during that time arises. Then because of all the shoo-shaah surrounding this whole time-for-myself bit, I am not able to do things for myself that I should. No gym, no parlour, no nothing. And incase, I do manage to work out a schedule, my husband will just change his. And then the whole process starts all over again. It is painful.
Suddenly when holiday time nears, something starts to act up. All the bundled up emotions are unleashed. And so, my husband has decided to act funny. I tell him not to bottle up stuff. He has been having a tough time at work and the side-effects are showing up in our relationship. Yes, he will also find only this time of the year, to bring it out.
All of a sudden, a lot of my friends who were going to be in town, had to leave out of town. Normally I am around for everybody to lean on. When it gets to my turn, nobody is around. Yes, It is really important to feel lonely during trying times. Part of the great cosmic plan. Yeah, yeah everyone is around in spirit.
When all of the above are happening, I take the opportune time to delve into my past, as if the present is not depressing enough. And then I tell myself that had I had a nice childhood, I would care two hoots about all this. And now, the very foundation is all shaky and I find myself crying often. At all the things gone wrong…….
Yes, I know that I will find the strength to move on. But I never find the strength to repair. Or can it be done?? Amongst all this, we have to remain normal. Lest the kids know that you are disturbed, lest the extended family knows, lest your depression spreads onto others. I am in no position to take that burden too.
And then when I think I have moped around enough, I think about all I have. Yes, I am very grateful to God. Then I push all these feelings of inadequacy at the back of my mind. It does rear its head every once in a while. But I push it back. Only to come out all uncontrollable next holiday season. And as is likely in my case, when faced with all of the above, my mind ceases to function. If you ask me now, I do not even know what I want.
I just wanted to purge these out of my system and into cyberspace. Hopefully it will not find its way back.
5 comments:
I must say that i found this post very depressing but nevertheless, it had to be written. I do hope it does not leave any of the readers depressed. :(
Yes it had to be let out....u must be feeling much better now:-).
When we sit down to calculate our problems, we sort of get imtimidated at the number of them & then start to thk tht our problem is more serious that it really is.
U knw, the end of the year always brings a bit of gloom in its wake..and the depressing weather adds to it. U r just going thru the same.
Thts why most people take off for vacations to warmer climes.
Cheer up!!!! For starters...take some time off from housework, go to some mall...pick up some choclate to munch....window shop a bit...watch the people around u....pick up a nice top....go with the flow.
Ur problems will not disappear if u do the above but believe me when I say tht all of a sudden, things dont seem quite so terrible anymore.
Well, I have the same kind of periods too - so I can empathise with how you are feeling. On top of that is the guilt that compared to many other people my life is quite ok - but nevertheless when these downtimes come I cannot shake it away very easily.
Sometimes it helps when I am out with other people but just at those times they are all not available.
Once they are all back things fall back in place. As one thing after another gets done, it looks better again and the cheer comes back.
Happy New Year from a very cold (-5°C) Germany.
Hi Bins,
Being a first time visitor here, here's my Hi !! :)
The post was indeed depressing for the fact that such a good thinker like you have to give in to the monsters so often. I agree that things go from being bad to awful worst when we are in deep trouble... Funny are the Life ways !!
Now, since the matter has been put down in writing, it would have helped you a lot. I have an alternative idea. Close yourself in a room where no one can hear you. Switch off the lights. And Cry as much as you can.(If you want to ;) ). (Well, that was on a lighter note ;))
At the advent of New Year, our attitude will play a major role in our life's.,. Here's my sincere wishes to you for having Happy days and a Prosperous Smiling Life !! I hope you use "The Secret" well...
Ah thats the festival blue :) I totally get it.. and its about time you let out.. else it will keep bundling up! Really!
Most of the festival time.. my sister makes this big plans of celebrations which gets to my nerves... knowing our lazy bones it would never be done.. and if it is.. you will be too tired.. and when it is not done.. mostly you will forget about it until the next festival.. only to find most of the articles gone bad and you have to throw them away..
Ah now am dumping some of mine too :D
Well I feel ranting saves us from prolonged depression.. so go on create a ranting blog :P
If you dont want anyone else to read it.. just encrypt it :)
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