Thoughts and Actions

The other day, I watched the movie Kurbaan. Typical of all such movies, it left me very disturbed. The movie centers around terrorism, a love story woven into it. For those who have not seen the movie, it is about a girl who falls in love with a guy. They are both professors at a university. The girl gets an offer at NYU. They get married and move to New York. All things seem fine up until her husband’s real identity dawns on the girl.

Would I turn in somebody I knew? I did not need to waste too much time thinking. I would. Without a moment’s doubt, I’d do the right thing and turn the person in. I do not believe that anybody has the right to harm people at any level. I do believe there is a way out of this mess. Killing innocent people is just not the way.

Yes, I do believe that injustice has been done to them, and they were victims at some point. These days, a lot of movies portray the softer sides to the elements that terrorize and kill people. The movie New York itself was a classic example of how innocent people go down that road. For every innocent person that is tortured in the name of terrorism, there are these groups that are waiting for them to be released from custody, just so they can cash in on their wounds while it is still raw. I wish there were groups that would do the opposite and help them live their lives with dignity.

But then the story of the movie was not what I wanted to write about. Neither do I want to start a debate on terrorism. It has been done to death. There is only so much that can be done when people are willing to blow themselves up for a cause. When there is no fear, it is scary.

While I was watching the movie, a thought occurred to me. I wondered that if I were to suspect somebody on grounds of terrorism, who should I alert? Just say, that there is this somebody whose activities are suspicious. I mean there is no real reason outwardly, but there is this gut feel that something is just not right. I may be wrong but if you watch the programs on 9/11 etc, though the gut instinct was there, the people concerned did not act on it.

I chewed on that thought the whole day. I doubt if the local police station is the way to go. I doubt if they have the sensibility to take up such a serious issue and alert the right people. And then again, I would not want any attention on myself. I would want it to be handled with tact. So who should I be alerting? I am sure all of us should have such information ready at hand in times of need.

Heroes then, now what?

While it is a good thing to never to forget our past, our roots etc., I often find that we often walk forward carrying the burdens of the past. So most likely, we take two steps forward and three steps back. It really slows us down. I am no management whiz or ‘thinker’ but I don’t need to be, to realise that we are moving forward, yes, but at snail’s pace.

In India, as we work our way towards Independence Day, Republic Day etc., we have the newspapers looking into the past at how it has been during the pre-Independence times, the Republic days that followed etc. The newspapers will be full of the heroes of yesteryears. The other day, it carried news of such heroes. Ordinary people who went out of their way and did extraordinary things. They did what came to them in an instant and were soon catapulted to fame, awards and other rewards that came with the territory. As I read through the articles that spoke of the bravery of those children and how they stood up and took matters into their hands and went on to save lives (without giving a moments regard to their own safety), I was amazed. It truly is no small feat. God bless those little souls for what they did.

The article in Times of India said, “Every Republic Day, the nation honours some of its bravest children with medals and cash rewards. Paraded as role models, what becomes of them when the show is over?”

Those words, caught my attention. I hope I do not sound hard-hearted when I say this, “But what should happen to them?” They were given cash awards, certificates, medals and a chance to meet the Prime ministers and Presidents of their times. To me, that is not a small achievement either.

Why can we just not enjoy that experience and leave it at that? Does everything that follows later in life have to be in the shadow of that one brave act? Can we not move on normally after wards? Should everyone bow and lay flower petals under our feet as we walk forward? What is the expectation? Is it the press who over-hypes their achievements and get them to believe that from that moment on, only good things will happen? Who is responsible for leading those people to dream such grandiose dreams? The Press, their family? Who? They are made to believe that the rest of their living days can be spent in luxury, scholarships and out-of-turn promotions. A lazy life to be led in the glory of one achievement! And when things don’t happen as the have dreamed of, they go on to become pessimists. Bitter people who believe that no matter what, there is no good in this world.

I Freed Somebody Once!

Ever so often I read posts that touch me profoundly. One such post was that by The Jungle Girl's Shenanigans, called ‘Race’, a beautifully written article where she touched upon the so-called ‘racism’ issue that India is blaming Australia for. When I read about the incidents that have been taking place, the first thought that occurs to me every single time is that : Why are the Indian people making it out to be a racism issue? There are so many such incidents all over the world. Why is the press blowing it out of proportion? Don’t they ever feel responsible for spreading hatred and ill-will?

In the same post, were some rather stark facts about other parts of the world which actually do oppress people and get away with it. The article focused on the blatant oppression, mainly of the people who work in the lower rungs of the working scenario, taking place in the United Arab Emirates. Here the passports are kept by the organization you work for. It immediately gives your employer the right to persecute as he pleases. You have to no choice but to comply with any injustices that is meted out to you.

I grew up in Dubai and also worked there for a while. Though I did not see too much injustice. I did feel threatened by the whole system. You feel trapped. If you do not like your job or have differences with your employer, you are most likely going to swallow your pride and stick around anyway. There are far too many complications involved and if they stamp your passport with any remarks, you are likely to be deported. But this is not what I wanted to write about.

It reminded me of an incident that I buried in the far corners of my mind. It reminded of an oppressor not as mighty as a sheikh of Dubai or anything, but an oppressor anyway. It reminded me of the fact that when you have been bullied, there are two roads that you can take: One which makes you an oppressor yourself and another which you will make sure that no one around you suffers such treatment.

I chose the second road. I am proud to say that I liberated somebody once. I put my neck on the line, knowing fully well that I would be dealt with severely if it came out in the open. Though I was very young at that time, I felt that it was better to punished than allow injustice to happen. I was about sixteen years old. My parents or rather my mom decided that we should have a maid at home. If you know the rules in Dubai, you must know that we have to obtain a visa to get somebody from another country. You have to stand guarantee for that person and it involves quite a bit of money too. They asked around there was this family friend who had a poor relative who was looking for a lucky break. That is how Suja came into our household. Suja’s relative lied to her and her mother that this would be a kind of stepping stone to better prospects. That since she was not so qualified to get a job in Dubai on her own steam, this entry to Dubai would allow her a break.

When you are subjected to harassment of any form, you tend to more mentally matured for your age, kind of like a survival instinct. I would often find Suja upset. She saw my condition at home and did not take her long enough to figure out that I was sinking in the same boat. She often told me that she was better off. She said that at least she did not feel as bad as I did because the person repressing me was my own mother. Anyway, I used to hear her out. She came from a poor background and came to Dubai looking for a job so she could help her family. As all ‘sheikhs’ do, her passport was seized. Her calls were monitored and so were her personal mail. She would keep her letters in her suitcase in a certain way only to find out later that it was tampered with. You don’t need to do more to make a person feel like a prisoner. Her letters to her home mainly talked about the weather and other mundane stuff. Her mom asked her for details and she was unable to spit the truth. Things began to get worse for Suja, she was not able to handle my mother’s caustic remarks and harsh behavior anymore. She would often go to sleep crying and praying for a miracle.

I then thought of a way to get Suja to write to her family about her plight. I gave my friend’s mailing address. Suja’s letters to her family were mailed out in a similar fashion. The agreement was clear. Suja was not to hoard these letters. They were to be destructed immediately. Ok, so that going normal communication going. But now, what?? How was Suja going to get out of the place? I had a brilliant idea. She wrote to her family to write in through proper channels that the mother was seriously ill. That she was needed home immediately. That set the ball rolling. Suja would wail loudly every once in a while. Then she made it clear that she would do something drastic if she was not sent home. That got my mom thinking. She tried to placate Suja with more empty promises. Suja assured my mother that she would be back soon. Then the day came when Suja was set free. I lost somebody who I could talk to. I knew that I would be back to feeling oppressed all by myself. But I thought: at least somebody got away. And if word ever got out that I had something to do with any of that, I would be dead meat. But then I was half-dead anyway. So be it.

As Suja packed up, there were many tears of gratitude. She apologized to me several times for not being able to do the same for me. She promised me that she would pray ardently for me. She felt terrible at having to leave me behind. Well Suja, I am physically (can’t say the same for my mental status as yet) free.

In my own small way, I gave somebody freedom. It feels very good even after so many years. As I carried those letters in and out, I have sweated buckets!! :D That is the thing about such situations, you tend to enjoy the thrill of living on the edge!! Every time you get away with it, it prompts you to try your hand at something else. It is no longer the end of the road, but the journey that holds more meaning.

Why don't Indians give back to society?

This author has echoed a lot of thoughts that I have been wrestling with for a long time now. Please do read till the end and very carefully with an open mind. The question asked in the beginning had the hit-me-in-the-face kind of effect when I read all the way till the end and read the answer!

DO YOU FULLY AGREE WITH THIS AUTHOR?

Why Indians don’t give back to society

By Aakar Patel, Mint, July 4, 2009

Some characteristics unite Indians.
The most visible is our opportunism

Why don’t we worship Brahma? We know he’s part of the Hindu trinity as the creator, but we worship Vishnu, manager of the cosmos, and Shiva, its eventual destroyer. The answer lies not in religion, but in culture. But in what way does our religion shape our culture?

Weber explained the success of capitalism in the US, Germany and Britain as coming from their populations’ Protestant faith. This ethic, or culture, was missing from the Catholic populations of South America, Italy and Spain. Protestants, Weber said, extended Christianity’s message of doing good deeds, to doing work well. Industry and enterprise had an ultimate motive: public good. That explains the philanthropists of the US, from John D. Rockefeller to Andrew Carnegie to Bill Gates.

What explains the behaviour of Indians? What explains the anarchy of our cities? To find out, we must ask how our behaviour is different.

Some characteristics unite Indians. The most visible is our opportunism. One good way to judge a society is to see it in motion. On the road, we observe the opportunism in the behaviour of the Indian driver. Where traffic halts on one side of the road in India, motorists will encroach the oncoming side because there is space available there. If that leads to both sides being blocked, that is fine, as long as we maintain our advantage over people behind us or next to us. This is because the other man cannot be trusted to stay in his place.

The Indian’s instinct is to jump the traffic light if he is convinced that the signal is not policed. If he gets flagged down by the police, his instinct is to bolt. In an accident, his instinct is to flee. Fatal motoring cases in India are a grim record of how the driver ran over people and drove away.

We show the pattern of what is called a Hobbesian society: one in which there is low trust between people. This instinct of me-versus-the- world leads to irrational behaviour, demonstrated when Indians board flights. We form a mob at the entrance, and as the flight is announced, scramble for the plane even though all tickets are numbered. Airlines modify their boarding announcements for Indians taking international flights.

Our opportunism necessarily means that we do not understand collective good. Indians will litter if they are not policed. Someone else will always pick up the rubbish we throw. Thailand’s toilets are used by as many people as India’s toilets are, but they are likely to be not just clean but spotless. This is because that’s how the users leave them, not the cleaners.

The Indian’s reluctance to embrace collective good hurts his state. A study of income-tax compliance between 1965 and 1993 in India (Elsevier Science/Das- Gupta, Lahiri and Mookherjee) concluded that “declining assessment intensity had a significant negative effect” on compliance, while “traditional enforcement tools (searches, penalties and prosecution activity) had only a limited effect” on Indians. The authors puzzled over the fact that “India’s income tax performance (was) below the average of countries with similar GDP per capita”.

We do not think stealing from the state is a bad thing, and our ambiguity extends to corruption, which also we do not view in absolute terms. Political parties in India understand this and corruption is not an issue in Indian politics. Politicians who are demonstrably corrupt, recorded on camera taking a bribe or saying appalling things, or convicted by a court, can hold legitimate hope of a comeback—unthinkable in the West.
The opportunist is necessarily good at adapting, and that explains the success of Indians abroad. We can follow someone else’s rules well, even if we can’t enforce them at home ourselves. The Indian in the US is peerless at the Spelling Bee because the formula of committing things to memory, which in India passes for knowledge, comes naturally to him. But this talent for adapting and memorizing is not the same as a talent for creation.

The question is: Why are we opportunists?

In his great work Crowds and Power, Elias Canetti observed that the rewards religions promised their faithful were all far off, in the afterlife. This is because a short goal would demand demonstration from god and create skeptics instead of believers. There is an exception to this in Hinduism. Hinduism is not about the other world. There is no afterlife in Hinduism and rebirth is always on earth. The goal is to be released entirely and our death rites and beliefs -- funeral in Kashi -- seek freedom from rebirth.

Christianity and Islam are about how to enter heaven; Hinduism is about how not to return to earth, because it’s a rotten place. Naipaul opens his finest novel with the words “The world is what it is”, and Wittgenstein ( “The world is all that is the case”) opens his Tractatus similarly.

Hinduism recognizes that the world is irredeemable: It is what it is. Perhaps this is where the Hindu gets his world view -- which is zero-sum -- from. We might say that he takes the pessimistic view of society and of his fellow man. But why?

The Hindu devotee’s relationship with god is transactional: I give you this, you give me that. God must be petitioned and placated to swing the universe’s blessings towards you. God gives you something not through the miracle, and this is what makes Hinduism different, but by swinging that something away from someone else. This is the primary lesson of the Vedic fire sacrifice. There is no benefit to one without loss to another. Religion is about bending god’s influence towards you through pleas, and appeasement, through offerings.

Society has no role in your advancement and there is no reason to give back to it (in any way, including leaving the toilets clean behind you) because it hasn’t given you anything in the first place. That is why Indian industrialists are not philanthropists. Rockefeller always gave a tenth of his earnings to the Church, and then donated hundreds of millions, fighting hookworm and educating black women. Bill Gates gave $25 billion (around Rs1.2 trillion), and his cause is fighting malaria, which does not even affect Americans. Warren Buffett gave away $30 billion, almost his entire fortune. Andrew Carnegie built 2,500 libraries. Dhirubhai Ambani International School has annual fees starting at Rs47,500 (with a Rs 24,000 admission fee) and Mukesh Ambani’s daughter was made head girl.

An interesting thing to know is this: Has our culture shaped our faith or has our faith shaped our culture? I cannot say. To return to the question we started with: Why is Brahma not worshipped? The answer is obvious: He has nothing to offer us. What he could do for us, create the universe, he already has. There is no gain in petitioning him now.

We Indians have to look inward. I have read a lot of mails in this regard which asks us to look inward and treat the world around us with care, not careless abandon! Like I tell my husband, we, each one of us, have to change ourselves from within for the collective good. We cannot always standby and blame the guy before us for littering. The general tendency is to think : This place is already dirty. My wrapper cannot do anymore harm. Or, why should I raise my voice against this injustice? See the crowd. They are not saying anything. Let us stick with the popular notion on this. Guys, every time we are faced with corruption or littering or the general welfare of the world around us, let us raise our voice, even if it is feeble. Somebody else might take courage too and soon, it will be a shout loud enough to be heard and reckoned with!

Disclaimer: This post is in no way intended to hurt religious sentiments and does not intend to target any community in particular either.

I quit

It is midnight and here I am blogging when I should be sleeping. I just had to get it off my chest. Very rarely do I ever make a decision so late into the night. But when the going gets tough, the tough get going. And then again, it is never too late to make a good decision in the right direction, right? Now what am I quitting?

I am going to quit being the nice girl. Any relationship, be it that of friendship or whatever, I make sure that I put in my 150%. Now, that, is a lot of me. Things have become so bad that people are expecting just too much out of me. I can’t give like that anymore. I feel tired at just giving, without ever getting back. Yeah, I know I should not ‘expect’ anything. But all relationships are a healthy combination of give and take, right?

I think I really go out of the way to help people and be nice to every body around me. But people are just trampling over me now. The realization came quite some time back, but I was just brushing it aside. You know, putting aside the negativity and stuff. A lot of stuff is being dumped on me and I am not able to fulfill them. And you know what? I feel guilty about it. How’s that?? I feel guilty saying no. Normally, I say it only when I really, really can’t. Otherwise I just push myself to help.

The way I look at it, we all have to start some place, right? So I start. And one thing leads to the other and before you know it, I have already done too much. And life goes on for the other person. Nobody thinks ill of them, either. But if I were to falter, I can see the disappointment. Maybe I am too hard on myself. Too critical, even.

When I ask for a favor (which is almost never), I make sure that it is absolutely ok for the other person to do it. And I always, always repay it in kind, double-fold. I am looking hard but I almost never see it being reciprocated.

Yup, feeling a little low and all that! Low enough to take some tough calls.

I Think Men Should....

…just go back to hunting animals and making fires for a living. I am seriously believing all those jokes about God perfecting creation of human by using Man as a prototype and then finally creating Woman as his ultimate creation.

When I read in yesterdays paper about British Scientists creating sperms from embryonic stem cells, the one thought that came to mind is : These men are in a LOT of trouble if they do not step up and make themselves useful!!!

Ever so rarely, my husband decides to take up a chore. And every time he attempts it, I am like: Oh, Oh trouble’s looming large. I wonder what is going to come out of this. Now, before you all go: Poor guy, give him a break. At least he makes the effort…blah, blah!; hear me out.

Neel’s recent attempt at doing the chores was the laundry. He just recently figured out how to use our fully-automatic washing machine ( that I have had for the last 10 years and we have been married for 6). When he saw how easy, peasy it was to function it, he decided that finally somebody is going to do something about the laundry. After the first two attempts, the machine broke down. Twice. ( I have been telling Neel for a long time that he has an aura around him that affects the functioning of electronic devices!)

After I got it up and running, hounding the repair guy on the phone and all that, fretting all the while about the mountain of laundry piling up, it started working again. Apparently Neel is not given up on laundry. At this point, I am already dragging my palms across the face in frustration.

I did tell him when he started out that he should watch out and separate the colored and whites. But imagine my face when I looked at the laundry line and saw all pink colored clothes. And then a day later, I am looking through Neha’s clothes and I spied green underwear. Hey, Neha does not have any green undies. Then I looked up and lo behold! all green colored clothes. Including MY whites clothes!!! No way, buddy, this laundry mania has to stop now! Now I have warned Neel with dire consequences if I see him loitering within 6 feet radius of the washing machine.

Some days back, he heated my plastic cake tray in the grill, in an attempt to warm his bread for breakfast (why the cake tray? Why in the grill???). The computer is constantly conking off and acting weird after he uses it. I am checking it for viruses everyday. Don’t even get me started on the car. He once went and bought some crappy cleaning product sold to him by some guy at the petrol bunk. I told him to just throw it out. He gave me that what-would-you-women-know -about-these-things look and went ahead to buff his car. The result: the grey interiors were now a patchy white. He expected me to restore it. I asked him to buzz off. Now, do I need the extra work in my already tight schedule??

The attempt at fixing Neha’s cycle was a disaster too. I had kept the cycle aside to fix it when I found the time. Neel’s eyes spied it one day and he asked me what was wrong with it. I told him that the screw of the brake handle had come off and I had to look through my tool kit to see if there was that particular size. Neel wanting to show who the man around the house was, strode off to find the necessary tools. About an hour later, I find a mummified cycle. Neel had removed the entire brake system and Neha freaked out on the cycle with insulation tape!!

These days when N looks at things purposefully, I shout “No way, mister! Back off Now. Leave whatever it is, alone!” He gives me that what-did-I-do, after-all-I-am-only-trying-to-help-you look.

What are the men in your life like?? Do you want to banish them to the caves??

Better luck, Next time

I mentioned earlier in one of my posts that I am not much of a saath janam ka rishtha** types. I feel variety is the spice of life. I’d like to try out my next birth with Shah Rukh Khan (SRK)*** for a hubby. Sigh!!!

But on second thoughts, I’d like to be a guy in my next birth. Actually, I want to be born as my husband. And I want him to be born as me. And even better, I want us both to remember our previous births. And I want to kick his butt! Not that he is kicking mine now. But I want to kick him anyways for being such a lazy bum.

He lives like a king. Check out a sample of his day: Get up, read paper for half an hour, Drink tea. Go to the loo for another half an hour and read the paper. Eat lunch (he works nights and therefore has a wonky schedule). Relax for a bit (maybe even sleep), dress up and head to work. Now isn’t that envious? He does not have to lift a finger.

Maybe I should give him some credit here. On weekends, he does lift a finger. To change the channels on TV!!. So on weekends, he watches TV, in addition to a back-breaking schedule of relaxing & sleeping some more.

When I complain, he says that I should try and go to office. Then I would understand. Hello?? Is anybody home?? I HAVE gone to office AND managed the home. Yes, I would cook, manage the home and work. Ha! So much for going to office and finding out for myself. His schedule remains the same. I know a lot of men pitch in and help out. The few times I have used my husband as a back-up in the kitchen, I practically had to scrape food off the ceiling in addition to a very messy kitchen. No. Thank you. I better handle that myself. You’d think that with a hotel management background and working in hotel kitchens, he would know a few things. Yeah, right! Like I am so lucky!

Now when I react like that, he says that that is the reason he is not able to help out. Because I am so finicky. Well, my take on it - For five years, you have been seeing how I do stuff. Can you not do at least a few things my way? What say? Like eating the car for example. Do we really need to do that on bumpy roads? Since I complain, they do it behind my back. Now isn’t that a nice way to handle the issue? The car looks like a pig sty.

And when I throw in the towel and decide to just leave things the way they are, he complains about the mess. Aha! Gotcha! So you want things spic n span, don’t want to do it yourself, leave no stone unturned when it comes to making a mess and expect me to clean it. Your agenda seems clear to me, buddy.

Do you think it is worth the effort and try and miss out on a super-exciting life with SRK?


** A popular Hindu belief that women should enjoy wedded bliss with a man for seven births. There is a special day of fast for a whole day to achieve this.

**** Famous Bollywood star. Sigh!!!!

To "ad"d or subtract

Watching a movie on TV is real torture considering that you spent at least an extra hour on the advertisements. Who has that kind of time? With my daughter and my husband’s crazy schedule, it is so difficult to catch up. The other day, I practically had to pull up my eyes with toothpicks while I struggled to watch a movie, way into the night. Halfway through, I wondered whether I was enjoying myself or torturing myself. :D Practically every five minutes into the movie is interrupted with scores of ads.

On the topic of ads, I sometimes pause to think: Do these advertisers/ product companies really think it makes a difference? I cannot imagine one product that I have bought because I was a influenced by an ad. Yes, when a new product/service hits the market, it makes total sense to me. But on a daily basis, I consider them a sheer waste of time and money. For instance, I cannot imagine buying a certain brand of cement because a certain actress (looking constipated, really ) is promoting it. What is the chance of that happening? They should probably focus on some good sturdy building that they have built with it. Imagine this scenario:

Man at cement shop: I have come to buy good cement. What do you suggest?
Shopkeeper: This is blah blah cement. All builders prefer this.
Man: Staring at an ad… I will buy that cement instead.
Shopkeeper: But it is a new product.
Man: My favorite actress is promoting it. It must be good!

I do buy creams. To keep my skin moisturized. Period. I cannot imagine that it will make me fair. And what is the point in having a fair face and not-so-fair body. What about the rest of the body????? I am assuming that after applying the cream on the face, the skin on the hands will look towards the face and just imitate it. There are ads that show cream being applied on the face and voila! after 3 weeks, your entire body is fair. Amazing.

Have any of you seen that ad on a pickle in which the guy has an abnormally long index finger because of licking pickle all the time. It is a positive turn off to me. Makes my skin crawl. I am quite sure that I will never buy that pickle. In this case, I am sure that the competitor has designed the ad!

And those stupid ads on detergent. Will they ever stop? Fresh mango pulp, then iron it and still the stain vanishes just by dipping in the detergent… too much. I struggle with fresh juice stains. After several washes and the colour of the cloth actually fades, does it really go.

Of course, there are ads that are superb in content, like the ‘Jaago re’ ads. Very thought provoking too. Ads that show that the company cares enough to make an ad that will tip the scales in their favor. The print ads are somehow more appealing and drive home the point better. I think they should designate a time slot on TV just for ads. Because most people don’t watch when they play it between movies anyway.

Can you think of any ads that have bugged you to no end or the really hilarious ones…..?

Old school of thought

This blog has been long pending. Wannabewriter’s previous post prompted me to go ahead and finish it. My daughter is 5 and currently in PP1. In the good ol’ days, known as Kindergarten. Somehow, the schools of today think that if they were to name the class a little differently, it makes all the difference. What is wrong with Kindergarten, Prep and then class 1.…? Anyways, so now I have another year to go till I put my daughter in a formal school. And so the hunt for a good school continues…

I am checking with parents who have already made their choice of schools as to what made it stand apart from the rest. I have ended up with a lot of mixed opinions. There are schools with exams and tons of homework. So much so that the kid is just flitting from school work to homework and no time to play. Result: Kids are angry and stressed. Parents are bugged with all the constant reminding and nagging about homework.

Then there are schools that have no homework and no exams. You’d think that everybody involved was happy with this kind? You are highly mistaken. Parents are bugged (yes, again) that there is no homework because kids are having too much free time and they are glued to the TV or refuse to get home from play at a decent time. And since there is no exam, there is no real seriousness and they get all worked up when they get to a stage where they do have exams.

Then there are schools that resort to all kinds of crap to make sure that parents are involved. They frequently get parents to participate in the festivals (we have at least 50 a year!) that are celebrated at schools. Now working parents are not able to make it to all of these. Result: Sad kid whose heart has sunk when he saw all the other kids’ parents and not his. The school cannot or does not want to see that these exercises are pointless.

Not to miss are the projects that are frequently assigned to the kids. I suspect that it is a gauge to ascertain the resourcefulness of the parents after a hard days’ work. Just imagine nursery kids being asked to find cuttings of different flowers based on colours etc. I am sure no nursery kid can even say Chrysanthemum. If there is any lesson learnt out of it, I want to know about it. Now stationery shops sell ready made projects. Can you believe this?

When we were studying ( I believe it was the last century), we were taught in school. All we had to do was revise at home. Now teachers think that this whole new breed of over-enthusiastic parents will do all the hard work. I think parents should approach the school in hordes and just let them know what is expected of the school considering the ridiculously high amount of fees that have to be paid. When I asked a friend why she did not approach the school when she had a small issue, she said that she feared that her kid would be singled out. And God forbid, if your kid does not already know what she is going to be taught at school. Then I believe that there are teachers who constantly taunt the kids about their inabilities.

So, to keep up with the times, parents are forced to resort to tuitions etc. I even know a KG kid who goes to tuition. Of course, it is not uncommon knowledge that teachers are purposely not teaching in school properly so as to convince parents that tuition will help.

Now Wannabewriter needs to tell me which is the school that her mother runs and if it has a branch in Hyderabad. :-D. All I want is a school that teaches all the kids need to know syllabus-wise in school. They should devote equal attention to physical activity. They should instill values. They should respect each child as an individual and not compare. They should help children to find their potential. They should work hand in hand with parents to ensure that each child ends up a well-rounded individual. I also think they should go the exam-way! Because, for any reason, if we have to change locations etc, it would be really stressful for the kids to cope. There must have been an odd-case here and there, when we were studying ,of kids committing suicide because of exams stress or bad results, as compared to today.

As I famously say: Very soon, they will have courses in schools on "How to be a child when you are actually a child!" Schools are really phasing out childhood!

I salute my school, The Indian High School, Dubai, for all that they have done for me.

Winds of change

I am sometimes possessed by an urge to hurt people. No, I am not some kind of a sadist. These are people who make your life miserable for cheap thrills and money, that I am referring to. I feel that I should devote all it takes to teaching that person not to ever, EVER, do that to anybody again. But then the business of daily living and stuff come in the way and I abandon that venture all together. Then in hindsight, I still feel that I should have taken the effort. I always feel that our Indian society as such as a very laid back and chalta hai -approach to everything and that is the very ruin of our country as such. Like I remind my husband every time, Change begins with each one of us. We have to believe that what we are doing is right and move ahead with that confidence. Why am I moving from me to the country? Am I not making sense?? Let me explain.

We hired a designer to take care of the interior work of our home. With great enthusiasm, she sold herself. We cut and snipped to make sure that it fit into our budget and then proceeded. Neha was about a year and half then and we knew that it would be difficult for me to visit the worksite daily. At that time, I stayed about 25 km away. Though hiring a designer would pinch our pocket, we thought it would be worth it. It was far from it. She was so casual that I had to visit the site with the baby far more times than she did. She overplayed the costs for everything despite the fact that we gently reminded her from time to time that budget was the key word. She charged premium for damaged material. She hired carpenters from Chennai who would run there at the drop of a hat. They stayed at the site and trashed up the place pretty bad. It is only when they moved out and the dust cleared that things started showing up. There were some final touches that we called her in for. When we brought the flaws to light, she was defensive, blamed the whole world and refused to accept her faults. She also had two projects from our building from which she was fired. All I required of her through that exercise was to accept that she did not pay the necessary attention to the project and apologize. The fact that she refused to do that pissed me off.

We told her that we would pay her the last installment only after completion of the remaining work. She began to rant and rave and refused to move from the apartment. If my husband allowed me, I would have let her have it. For the sake of peace, he was even willing to pay her. Over my dead body. He convinced her to carry on at that time. She came later, screamed and ranted but I refused to pay. She threatened and what not, but I refused to budge. Later, I also send her a notice. I was convinced that I should go through the Consumer Rights Forum. After the notice, I did not pursue it. She also stopped calling when she knew the shit had hit the ceiling. But had I gone ahead, though it would have been painful, I would have been successful. Besides the compensation, it would have driven home the point that, she should never do this to anybody again.

I do believe that change begins with everyone of us.. We SHOULD make that effort to change. Yes it is going to be miserably, sometimes embarrassingly difficult. But we have to make that start. But my husband, though he knows what I say is right, does not like to get into all this. Of course, it is easier to wipe the dust off the shoulders and carry on. But I do feel that the message that we are giving to such people who grab our money and walk off is that: We do not care. This very pathetic approach spurns them on to do it to somebody else. My husband says to that: Why do you care? Is it our headache? No. It is not our headache, but we are helping to make a criminal. And that is a burden that I do not want to carry around. I know she is out there cheating other people. I hate that feeling.

We should publicly embarrass people who want our hard-earned money. I suddenly remember that scene in Munnabhai MBBS-II where the old man who goes to that government office and pays whatever little money he has on him as a bribe. He then apologizes for having only that much money and then begins to take off all his accessories and clothes, quoting their cost. The official was so embarrassed and moved the old man’s file immediately.

Should I just give up trying to change things around me? Make this world a better place. There is so much wishful thinking in me right now. Really, we could do away with so much ugliness if we only tried hard enough. And more importantly, if we were allowed to try……….

Creating Difficulties

The past few weeks have been hectic for me. My daughter joined Shiamak’s Institute of Performing Arts for the Winter Funk 2008. The show is to be held on 30th November, 2008. I am really looking forward to it. So the last few days have been spent in running around for the costumes, coordinating with the tailor and getting my daughter to the class in the evenings.

But another thing that caught me in the middle of all this was the sad goings on at friends place. I understand that any relationship can have differences, especially marital ones. But when people go out of the way to make peoples lives miserable is what saddens me the most. Adults, capable of thinking clearly are hurting each other in unimaginable ways. This lady I know (let us call her Sunita) has been married for a decade. Has two kids. Is working. And tolerating crap from her husband throughout all these years.

I can’t imagine living like that. Not knowing when the next blow is coming from. Not knowing what is going to piss my husband so bad that he can beat me up brutally without caring a damn. What a terrible life that must be!

***And the best part is that there is really no problem. The only reason this man is doing all this is because of his inferiority complex. I feel if someone is feeling so low and is not able to get his sorry ass to do anything about it, he should just go kill himself. Why take it out on people around him?

Her husband (let us call him Suraj) has no intentions of giving up his sadistic ways. He has told so rather openly. Recently, things got so bad that Sunita was pushed to the brink. She even contemplated involving the cops. But the law of our land seems more kind to the criminals (Yes, there are a lot of officials really interested in doing their jobs but that is another story all together). The few friends she confided in told her that to avoid filing an FIR, the cops would do anything. An FIR means that they would have to get off their backsides and actually do something about the case at hand. Yes, that would also mean that they would jail him without too many questions asked. Now Sunita was not sure she wanted all this. But she did want a divorce.

All I know is that, divorce is a really big thing and if she had thought things through and if she really wanted to go through with it. The kids no matter how many parental fights they have witnessed are going to torn apart, when they know that one parent is not going to be around. They already have their head all messed up and they are going to need all the love that they can get. But the peace that comes with knowing that you can really relax in your own home without being beaten up, is truly worth it all. And I am rooting for her. I feel 10 years is too long for somebody if they really wanted to reform themselves.

And as I write this blog, I feel terrible sorrow for the way our country is being attacked brutally. And I feel that *** (4th Para) applies here too. I feel that Suraj too is like a terrorist, terrorizing his family. And when we allow it to breed, it takes ugly forms such as these. When we allow our kids to beat up other kids, telling ourselves and them that after all they are kids and they will grow out of it. When we say terrible things to our loved ones without ones thinking about the consequences of those words. When we do not teach our kids compassion……

Do we really need all this ugliness? Amongst all the existing ugliness, do we need to further complicate our lives? Can we just not live and let others live?

Flying Menace

Now that summer is here, I will talk about a topic very close to my skin. Namely–Mosquitoes. :-D

Now clearly, what was God thinking when he made them. Ok, Ok, they have their place in the ecosystem. But only because, they were made in the first place. Seriously, I think God should have given it a miss.

Many years ago, Amitabh Bachchan had delivered this famous dialogue in a movie – Ek Machchar aadmi ko hijra bana detha hai! For many years, I tried to fathom what that dialogue meant. I almost seriously thought that a mosquito bite can change a man into a hijra. I still remember that I was petrified of coming in contact with a mosquito (wonder why!). But since I was living in Dubai and surely back then we did not have mosquitoes, at least in the area we lived. So we were all safe.

Of course, much later, I really understood what that dialogue meant. How silly and naïve I was. I was rather young too.

But getting back to mosquitoes and present day, they have really become smart. I used to live in Bangalore before moving to Hyderabad. There, at least in the good ol’ days, mosquitoes ‘sang’ (bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) when they approached you. So you were aware and had the option of launching a counter attack. Like a fair fight. In Hyderabad, they stealthily approach you and quietly polish off a few litres. No jokes, they are quite large in size. Another thing. Earlier, when u run the fan on high speed, they did not have a chance to get at you. Wind speed would prevent them from flying. So, even when you knew they were around you could surely get sleep. But today they fly short distances, till they perch themselves on the bed, have access to your hand/leg and keep attacking. How devious!

Earlier, they would bite only on bare skin, now they can bite through your clothes. Is there a way out?

I remember a few years ago, a friend had bought a 3rd floor apartment in Bangalore. I asked him how he had the guts to keep his windows open and he said there is no way mosquitoes can fly this high. I stay on the sixth floor and these blood suckers can get to even the 100th floor. Via the lift! They also keep themselves abreast with technology.

I take my daughter downstairs to play for about 3 hours and I am at the receiving end of the deal. And if I dare forget to shut the windows at night, I had it. You know, when you get to the bedroom at night, you are looking for tell-tale signs. There is nothing. So I switch on GoodKnight anyway and hit the sack. A few hours later, I am splattering the walls. This exercise keeps me up for at least half an hour. There are times that I have found about 40 of them. Of course like in those ads where the machine becomes a frog and traps mosquitoes, I have become so good at catching them with my bare hands that I can almost turn it into a successful sport. I go about this whole exercise with an evil glint in my eyes. I remember, a few years ago, when I was visiting Nancy in Dubai. In the middle of the night, I could here continuous click, click sounds. I asked her the next morning if she heard too. She said she was the cause of it. She had one of the gas lighters with a flame and she was torching cockroaches. Can you imagine, in the middle of the night. Talk about sadistic thrills. I laugh about it till date.

I fancy buying those mosquito racquets one of these days. Turn them on and sizzle, sizzle. Heee ha ha ha. The problem is that I have to keep it away from Neha, lest she gets a shock.

But I am going to seek revenge one of these days. This is the point where you’d hear the sound track of evil laughter. But since I am unaware of how to do it, please go ahead an imagine it.

I've been Tagged

Last Movie You Saw In A Theater:
TASHAN. Last Saturday(26th April). Please give it a miss and incase u insist on going, do not carry anything that u can kill urself with!

What Book Are You Reading:
A prisoner of birth by Jeffrey Archer

Favourite Board Game:
Scrabble

Favourite Magazine:
Good Housekeeping. I wish there were lesser ads in it though

Favorite Smells:
The smell of new clothes. If there were such a perfume, I’d buy it!

Favourite Sound:
Neha’s laughter when she laughs real hard at something. U know the kind that brings tears to the eyes (of the person laughing.)

Worst Feeling in The World:
When with all your heart you want to help, but you can’t.

What is the First Thing You Think of When You Wake?
These days it is – I will be calm today, no matter what.

Favorite Fast Food Place:
There is this joint called VACS near my home. I think it is awesome.

Future Child's Name:
Whatever it is, it will have only 4-5 letters. My husband’s family has real long names and I dread having to name my kids like that. In Andhra, they have really long names and end up abbreviating them, like, A.P.P. L. Vijayalakshmi !!!!

Finish This Statement. "If I Had A Lot Of Money I'd...
I’d without a doubt, shop for me and my family, decorate my house to my hearts desire, invest for the future and give to charity. Exactly in that order.

Do You Drive Fast?
Not after I have had Neha. Better safe than sorry!

Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal?
Not averse to it, but I don’t.

Storms-Cool Or Scary?
Definitely scary.

What Was Your First Car?
Fiat Palio.

Favourite drink: Water. Boring aren’t I. I do drink alcohol, but can’t term it as my favorite

Finish This Statement, "If I Had The Chance I Would .....
Have had twins and be done with it. The idea of being pregnant again is scary.

Do You Eat The Stems On Broccoli?
Never cooked it at home. But I have eaten it at restaurants. If they served it with stems, I have eaten it.

If You Could Dye Your Hair Any Color, What Would Be Your Choice?
Red. That looks black normally but when I step out into the sun, it should have a healthy red sheen.

Name All The Different Cities/Towns You Have Lived In.
Kerala, Dubai, Bangalore, Vishakapatnam, Hyderabad

Favourite Sports To Watch:
Synchronized swimming, basket ball, Tennis

One Nice Thing About The Person Who Sent This To You:
Looks at the brighter side of stuff when I really need it!

What's Under Your Bed?
A clean floor. I love it!

Would You Like To Be Born As Yourself Again?
Yes, definitely me but born to the Mittal’s maybe!

Morning Person Or Night Owl?
These days, night owl. When I used to work, I was a morning person!

Over Easy Or Sunny Side Up?
Eggs & disposition – over easy.

Favourite Place To Relax:
My home.

Favorite Pie:
Can I cheat and say I like cheesecake better. U see, when I see cheesecake I never take the pie!

Favourite Ice Cream Flavor:
Black currant

Of All The People You Tagged This To, Who's Most Likely To Respond First?
First I have to learn to insert a link.

How strange!

In the past two years, since we moved to our home, I have noticed some strange occurrences. Sounds spooky?? Is your hair standing on the end?? Well I am not feeling spooked or anything. And neither do I believe in deep, dark forces. But still, something really strange is going on.

At any given point of time, some tap or the other begins to drip. I wrestle with it the first few days. You know, like tighten it with all the strength that I can muster till I turn blue in the face. After I have done it and closed the door behind me, I step back in once more to see if the efforts have been paid off. After a few of these desperate trials, I make up my mind to call in the plumber. And then voila! It stops dripping and some other tap takes over. Now is that not strange or what?

My hesitance to call the plumber in the first place is well warranted. We pay a monthly maintenance to our society and there is a plumber available. My past experiences have taught me that well, I am a better plumber!! He surely causes trouble elsewhere before he leaves or breaks some of my stuff. Makes me want to stuff him down the drain!

But this has been going on for a while now and I am wondering – hmmmmmmmm!!
The other day, my computer keyboard suddenly decided that none of the alphabets in the middle row would type. I had to copy paste alphabets from my existing files to arrive at my email ID and passwords etc. So that I could go ahead and check my emails at least! I borrowed my neighbors spare keyboard till I got mine repaired. I returned their keyboard and went away for a week to my in-laws. When I came back, I just plugged in my keyboard to check my mails and it is absolutely fine! I did not repair it and it works just fine. Sometime, the monitor refuses to switch on and the same thing; I switch it off for a while and a few hours later, Alls fine. Now what do you have to say to that?? Strange or what?

Who will cry when you die?

I just when through a very low phase in my life recently when I suddenly felt that everything is so wrong. Needless to say, I was depressed and desperate. I have loads of friends. But now I can very safely say that that I am their friend. But they are not mine. Meaning to say that I drop in on them and check in to see if all is well with them every once in a while. But the same is never reciprocated. Not that I am expecting it on a day to day basis but suddenly when you are low, you’d wish that someone reaches out to you. I am really not expecting some one to solve my problems either but just to reach out and listen.

I had a good friend in the complex but as luck would have it, she shifted to Delhi. Again I would be there for Vaishali more than she could be there for me. Out of no fault of hers. It is just that when I would need her, she would be far away, geographically. But I knew she was there and that I could offload when she got back. But that is not possible. As a result I seemed to have withdrawn from general public as such.

Coming back to my blog title, as I was shopping for my daughter’s story books, I just wandered into the self-help section and chanced upon this book called “who will cry when you die” by Robin Sharma. It was almost like it was calling out to me. No the book is not as depressing as it sounds. I have begun reading it and it is rather simple really. Very basic things to follow in life. Simple things to do to get simple happiness out of life. And which really leads to tremendous joy in the end. Very simple, very profound. Normally I’d hate the feeling that I have to rely on such means to draw me out of depression, but it seems to have been worth it.

Robin Sharma says that the first 30 mins of your day is really important to gauge how the rest of your day is going to be like. So focus on positive and good things during the first few moments of your day and the rest of the day is sure to be good. You will deal with the problems at hand more effectively. I suddenly realized that the first thing I do with my day is pollute my mind with what is there in the morning paper. The world’s problems. Depending on what the morning paper has to offer, my mood would reflect it. So now I have positively decided to focus on something else, the Bible perhaps or some book that will help me uplift my thoughts.

My husband saw the title of my book and thought I had lost it!!!

So three cheers to positive thinking and positive living!

Brooding over.... (part 1)

Every once in a while, I go thru a phase that is brought on by PMS, the fact that the bulk of our earnings are going to repay loans, not having taken a single vacation in the past 6 years, me not working yet, hubby’s crazy hours at work, his crazy passion for sports ( watching it, or playing it when he is not working) and a little girl who makes crazy demands on my time, having to make up for both parents all the time, no free weekend to laze around, skin, hair and health looking pathetic because I am not taking care of myself and the fact that none of the above is fair to go thru on a daily basis! Wow, that is one looong sentence!

Don’t take me wrong, my husband is a wonderful man and my daughter is adorable too. Neel gives me my space to do what I want to, no questions asked. It is just that he does not give me the time to do it. You see, he works nights. Well the definition of night varies. It can begin at 2 in the afternoon for instance. And can go on till about 11 the next morning. And for the longest time, his timings have never been the same as the previous day. Most days, I have just finished cooking lunch and after eating, I have to get back in to make his dinner. Even if I keep a cook, I still have to get in later to cook his dinner. So I am paying the cook and laboring myself.

After Neha was born, I cannot remember spending more than 2 minutes in the toilet or bath even. I usually wash my hair and body bathe in installments!! And do not ask me how I break up the big job. I just do it. The moment I get in and settle down, Neha will go “Mamaaaaaa!!” Either she has fallen down or spilled something or it is the worst ever… Silence. That means something unthinkable is happening! You know, like getting a spray can in the hand and spraying it into her eyes. Yes I have caught her and almost averted danger.

She reminds me of wicked little mouse who is out to play when the cat is away…

Searching

After sitting at home for about 4 years now, I am yearning to get back to office. There is a bit of me that hurts thinking about my daughter and what my being away from home will do to her (I had a working mom). I do not even have a plan in place for her care. But in the meantime, I am busy searching for jobs anyway. After a few weeks of searching on the internet & coming to no conclusion, I think I have come to a conclusion.

I have about 10 years of work experience & believe me, I enjoyed a lot of importance at the work place. I have a feeling that I am trying subconsciously to resurrect that part of my life. I just want companies to WANT to employ me. Every time, I get on the net, I kind of expect that maybe there is this perfect job out there, that is just screaming out my name.

There is this big part of me that fears if I am capable of delivering anything at all. What if I fail? I am hoping that in some crazy way, they can go back into my past & see how it was & just have immense faith that I too can do it. I fear that I will fail if I am put to test. I want to be that same person I was, about 4 years back. So resourceful. So full of life. There was a lot of hustle & bustle around me.

I am in a new place. So there is no way that I know anybody who has their own office that I can be part of for a while. U know, like a launch pad. To do greater & better things. Something, just for me, to reassure myself that I am capable.

I have known people who are just magically lucky in this aspect. I hate my luck. I have this amazing knack of coming up against a stone wall. I must have mentioned this earlier too.

Cluttered

Right now, the most depressing thought on my mind is that I am so tied up with everyday madness that even my mind is not capable of taking a vacation. Even if I mentally want to travel somewhere, there is just no scope of relaxing it enough. I have been trying to harness my thoughts for almost a month now, trying to get myself to relax, but I am just not able to. Even if I think about relaxing, my thoughts flit from different types of relaxation methods that I could employ. I am also beginning to think that maybe I do not like to relax anymore. And it is making me feel very sad. Not that I do not enjoy my day, but there is no empty moment. A moment, where I can think of nothing. My mind seems so cluttered.

I HAVE to declutter (Advice and help is welcome). Then I worry myself about where I can begin. Never ending madness. No I am not the kind of person who lies to myself. I have a grip on reality. I can laugh at myself too. I can also manage to take criticism. My husband would disagree. That is because I am so involved in pleasing my family, that it is a little difficult for me to handle criticism from him. I am so busy looking for praise from them. My daughter is too young to understand that. But she does let me know that she loves me, especially when she sees me upset. She also wants to get to its root cause, so that she can thulp him/her for upsetting me!

The list of things, that I have to accomplish immediately are:

Clean up the house – A place for everything and everything in its place. I sub-consciously feel important being needed to find anything & everything!
Find and train a full-time help
Find a job. Working from home, is the ultimate luxury. If working from home is achievable then I would not need a full-time help at home.

Accomplishing these things would make me really happy. Now that is really not a selfish or greedy wish list. God & Santa, please read my Blog.

Baby steps

Lots been happening lately. I have this whole thing about taking on too much. And then there are times when u can practically hear the clock ticking away and there is not a thing to do or rather – u don’t want to do!
Suddenly, I have this whole barrage of thoughts/ bright ideas etc and not a pen or paper in sight. This most often than not happens when I am in the loo. I am sure a lot of people will agree with me on this.
I have been practically chasing lady luck... U'd just think that at some point, she's gonna tire out! Not on my route, she isn't!!!
One day, I suddenly come up with this brilliant idea and before i cud gather my thoughts - amongst all the daily routine jobs that u just have to do - somebody has already patented and cashed in on that very same idea! Tough luck.
3 decades later, I am yet to accept the fact that bleeding hearts are squeezed of every drop of blood. Shining example? Moi! I go lock, stock & barrel into things I should steer clear of, considering that I have a lot on my plate. But I just can't stop myself going that extra mile. I have learnt that there are a lot of meanies out there. Just on the lookout for suckers like me.
Just pouring out my heart here, considering that this my first blog... the thoughts will get clearer & more defined. I hope.